Dishonor (Book 1 of the In Search of Honor series)
Chapter 5: Night with a Guard

Evening meal was specialtoday: there was a bread basket. Thank God for busy bakers who overcook theirloaves! I grabbed a chunk of bread and held it close. Bread was so filling, andwith the soup’s help even the burnt bits weren’t too bad.

Jordan kept glancing at me as I sat to eat my food and giving methis knowing smile that sickened me. I hated him, every inch of him from hisbald head to his thick legs and large feet. His smirk was making me feelextremely uncomfortable.

I’d never felt so relieved to see Scar-Face in my life.“Konjack’s group,” he said. We all stood up. “No one needed whipping today soyou are dismissed to your cells.”

I started walking immediately hoping I could avoid walking with Jordan,but he quickly caught up to me.

“Liv, whatever happens tonight don’t fight it. Be a good girl and don’t fight. I have a goodreputation with the guards and I don’t want it ruined because of you.” I triedto speed up my pace but he continued to follow. “At least your guard is young and handsome.”

Sometimes I wished I was strong enough to strangle him. “Please,just shut up. I’m not your daughter and you don’t need to act like I am!”

He was already walking away, his warning delivered.

He would never be half the man my father was. Just thinking thatbrought up painful memories.

I was there again;trapped behind the bars of an iron cage, starring out into a sea of faces belowthe raised platform my cage was sitting on. Casia was in a cage next to me,huddled in the back next to our mother’s cage. Her face was hidden behind herarms and she was making little mewling noises. Mother was saying something. Icouldn’t quite hear her over the roar of the city.

Why were we up here, why had they taken us here? Why were thepeople below screaming and crowding around?

“Elizabeth, hide your eyes, cover them and don’t look!” Ifinally figured out Mother’s frantic words.

Don’t look at what? I glance out into the crowd which suddenlygrew silent and parted as if letting a king through. Six guards were leadingFather toward the platform. “Papa!” I cried out. Was this some strange ceremonyfor him?

“Elizabeth! Look away!” Mother screamed at me. Why would I lookaway.

Curiosity latched my eyes on him. I watched as he walked up thewooden stairs. His eyes bored holes into me.

“Elizabeth, turn away!” I could hear Mother’s agonized cry, butI couldn’t look away.

The crowd roared like a hungry beat. Father kneeled down at ablock with a semi-circle cut out of it. He put his neck into the semi-circle. Aman covered from head to toe in black with only eye holes cut out lifted up ahuge axe, and then let it wing downward. It bit deep into my father’s neck, andhis whole body jerked.

My scream rang out against the silent crowd and Mother’ssobbing. The man lifted the axe, and swung again, and again. It took threeswings, and the last little bit of neck the man sawed through with his ax asFather’s head hung there spurting blood.

Then it tumbled to the ground covered in red, and the ground wasa pool and the stump where his head had been… I couldn’t look away as theheadman grabbed his head and held it in the air. The crowd bellowed, and thistime the noise didn’t quiet down. If anything it seemed to grow.

I was pulled out of my cage and dragged toward the front of theplatform. Were they going to cut off my head too? Was I going to die? I pulledand fought, trying to go back to the safety of my cage. I focused on thebloodstain under the block.

Suddenly they cut through my beautiful dress, catching skin. Theytore it off along with my underclothes. I remember the words that were said quite clearly. “Just as her clotheshave been stripped away, so has her honor, her caste, her title, and everythingshe holds close. She stands before us naked and dishonored.”

I remember crying. I wasn’t sure what was happening. Someonestruck me across the face and forced my first sack over my head.

“Liv?”

I looked up and saw the guard standing over me. I jumped to myfeet.

“Sorry, sir. Didn’t mean to sit down, sir.” Would he have meflogged for sitting down? Some guards wanted their women to be standing up waitingfor them.

“Nothing to worry about. Come on.” He grabbed my hand and led metoward the guard’s chambers. I wasn’t sure what to think of him. He seemed kindenough, but he was a guard and guards were never kind.

We got to a door and he pulled out a key. He opened the door.“After you my lady.”

My lady? I was no lady anymore. I stepped inside. It wasn’tsuper fancy, but it was better than the cell. The room was plain with only aplain wooden wardrobe and bed. The bed was a comfy looking double bed with bluesheets and a solid wooden dresser.

“I know it’s not much. I eat at the guard kitchen, so I can’tever offer you too much extra, but I got you some extra bread.” He seemednervous, as if he wasn’t sure what to do with me now that I was in his room.

I didn’t know what to say or do, so I said the first thing thatcame to my mind, “Your bed has blue sheets.”

“Yeah.” He laughed. “Iumm… I like the color and my mother’s a seamstress. She sent me with thesheets…” He shrugged and shifted his weight around as if looking for approvalfrom me.

“Blue’s a nice color.” I had already lost my honor. I was aslave. He didn’t need my opinion.

“Look, I know you’re eighteen. Your sister told me. She asked meto protect you and to help you. She said you were scared of men. I don’t knowwhat I can do to help that much, but at least now you can get a good night’ssleep. I can’t keep you safe forever.The other guards are going to want you.”

“What?” This was not what I was expecting. What was he talkingabout?

“Sorry, I’ll start at the beginning.” He stopped for a second tomake sure the door was closed properly. “Go ahead and sit down on the bed.Sorry but we’ll have to share it. I promise I won’t do anything to you that youdon’t want. I’m going to get ready for bed while I tell you this story. Mystory.”

What was he talking about? Shit, he knew my age. And he didn’tcare. He was different- different from what I thought. Should I believe him?What other choice did I have? I could feel my legs trembling, so I did as hesuggested. I walked over and sat down on his bed as he stripped off his lightarmor and clothing that went under the armor.

“I guess it started with me growing up in the city. I didn’twant to learn to sew like my mom or harvest fields like my dad. I decided notto follow their footsteps and instead went to the guard academy to train in theart of fighting. I was assigned the prison.” His face crinkled up in disgustand he balled his fists up. “I wanted to be a guard for nobles, or the king, orjust a street guard. I wanted to be anything but a Dishonoreds' prison guard.”He slammed his first against his armoire.

I scoffed. He glanced over at me as if surprised to see mesitting there. He shook his head and continued. “So I ended up here. As awelcome-to-the-group gift, I was given a couple nights with your sister. She isthe most beautiful woman I have ever met. I love her, but she went on to othermore senior guards after me. She was sad to leave me. She told me I was thegentlest and the kindest guard she had ever met.

“She told me all about you, and then begged for me to take youin. She wanted you to live with me so that you would become less afraid of aman’s touch, so you could handle what would come next. When I asked the otherguards about you they told me you were off limits till you were eighteen. Ipromised them I wanted nothing more than company, and here we are.”

I stared at him with my mouth open. He was blushing furiously.

“So we won’t… you know.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I wasn’t about to let him get awaywith not telling me.

“I umm… I can’t, umm,make love to you.”

Yup, he was definitely an innocent city boy, but maybe my sisterwas right to tell him. He seemed gentle. At least I would sleep morecomfortably at night. He pulled a blue pair of lose pajama bottoms. I guess itwas his seamstress mother who made them for him.

He laughed nervously. “This just got really awkward, didn’t it?”He ducked his shoulders as if he was ready for me to laugh at him.

I tilted my head. “I think it's only awkward if you say it is.You’re… well… different. I didn’t think…”

“You didn’t think a guard could be kind or caring, did you?” Hisvoice was bitter as if he highly disliked what he was saying.

“Well, yes.” I thought they only hired the meanest and nastiestpeople for this job.

“We’re required to by our superiors to treat the dishonoredbadly, but it doesn’t mean we all enjoy it. I wanted to be there to protect andhelp people, not harm them. But I got this job, and I have to do as commanded.”I had never wondered what was required of the guards and who they were outsideof this place.

“Why allow them to assign you this choice?”

“I didn’t have a choice. I signed away my ability to makechoices in the matter.” He looked around and then came over to the bed and satdown.

I sat and reevaluated him in my mind. I still couldn’tunderstand. “Why be cruel to us, then?”

“I told you, my superiors watch me carefully. My family needsthe money I make to survive. Your father isn’t just an informant on the Dishonored.He also informs on us, to make sure that the younger and newer recruits can atleast act cruel toward dishonored.” His eyes glanced around the room as if evennow looking for an informant.

“Don’t trust anyone, ever. Half your friends are probably informantsbecause informants are treated well in any caste. Most people don’t realize howlittered with informants this city is.”

I had never really wondered who turned him in or how he had‘planned to kill the king’. It was simply what we were all told was his crime.

“Are other guards here also kind?” I wondered if he would tryand convince me every one of the guards here was actually a kind and gentle manunderneath.

“Not everyone, but some of them are.” He looked down at his handfolded up on his lap as if even afraid to speak of them.

“Who?”

“I think you know one of them. A good friend of mine. His nameis Kyle, Kyle Raidinor.”

“I don’t know the names of guards. Hell, I don’t even know yourname.” He was still sitting there, slightly hunched over and playing with hisfingers in his lap.

He laughed again - obviously a nervous habit of his. “Sorry, myname is Bryan. Bryan Whitamor. And well Kyle… I don’t know if I should tell youwho he is, if I can trust you or if you’ll go running to my superiors for favors.”

“Well, Bryan, I’m not an informant. Never have been and neverwill be. I am my actual father’s child. I’m not that sniveling bastard’s child.I prefer to be my own person, making my own decisions.”

“You think you are independent and strong, but you fear peoplecaring about you and helping for you.”

“I’m not afraid of people.”

His hand reached out and grasped mine and I yanked away glaringat him.

“See, you can’t even stand my touch. Relax, I won’t hurt you.”

I placed my hand back onto his, unsure of what he wanted to dowith it, but I wouldn’t let him prove I was afraid.

He simply sat there and held my hand. I shivered. I hadn’t hadsomeone simply sit there and hold my hand before. My palms felt sweaty. Iwanted to yank my hand away, but I simply sat there. “So, who is this Kyleguy?”

“And you grab a bone like a dog!” He laughed again but this timeit wasn’t nervous but free and open and warm.

“Will you just tell me who he is?”

“He’s the Konjack group guard.” Scar-Face? Scar-Face was hisexample of a nice kind guard?

“You think Scar-Face is kind? He just had us whipped!”

“Wait, what did you call him?” Uh oh. I hadn’t let my mouth getme in trouble in ages. Now the nice guy act would go away. Now the mean guardhe was hiding inside would come out.

Suddenly he laughed. “Poor Kyle. He even gets teased amongst theguards for the scarring on his face. His wound was so terrible that the peoplein the wall eventually took pity on him and healed him, but his skin stillbears the scars. He’s a good guy though.”

Good guy? No! “I think you’re not hearing what I said, he justhad us whipped for no reason.”

“He had to. Jordan snitched on that Dishonored woman and it wasexpected of him.”

“So what? He still could have just not had us whipped. He couldhave easily made up an excuse.” He couldhave been a decent person instead of a mean guard.

“He couldn’t. We are trained to seem excessively mean for thedishonored prison. We are told we must seem cruel and unreasonable to the pointwhere even normal citizens of the city fear us. Kyle hates putting people down.He became a guard to help people: to make better the lives of those who were bullied.But he was assigned this place. No one assigned to this place ever gets away.We are all stuck here, pretending to be cruel until our old selves fade awaybehind the mask.”

“Why do you and Kyletrust each other if everyone is an informant?”

“Your sister. When I first came here, she told me to talk toKyle, and I did. He taught me how to survive in this place. He taught me how topretend to be cruel. Your sister is an angel. She told me to help you. That youare so strong and unafraid, but that you are breakable too.”

Me, breakable? I hadn’t broken yet. Suddenly I realized I wasstill holding his hand. I wanted to withdraw it, but I didn’t.

He sighed. “We can talk more tomorrow, but we should go tosleep. We both have a long day tomorrow.” He let go of my hand and I quicklypulled it back to myself. I didn’t want him to think I enjoyed holding hishand. I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression of me.

He stood up. “You can have this half of the bed. I’ll sleep onthe other side.”

I looked down at the bed I was sitting on like it was a snake. Ihadn’t slept on a bed in ages. In fact, I hadn’t sat on something cushioned inages, not even in Kevin’s presence, and now I was about to sleep in Bryan’sbed.

Carefully I slid under the covers and laid my head against thepillow. I heard his voice from the other side of the bed as he said, “Sleepwell.”

I wasn’t used to the soft bed underneath me. I kept waking upduring the night, but I must have slept more than I thought because before Iknew it light shined down on me.. I blinked heavily. There was an electric light in this place?

“Come on, up and at 'em. We get up earlier than the prisoners.The lights have timers so they turn on when it's time for us to get up. Thepeople in the Wall keep the lights running. You don’t like mornings?”

“I’m usually kicked awake these days,” I growled at him. Why washe cheerful? Mornings sucked. Why did morning people exist? I just wanted topull the covers back over my head and hide under them.

I got up and out of the bed. “I’m ready.”

He laughed. “I forgot you literally do nothing to get ready.Well sit on the bed while I get ready, but don’t go back to sleep.”

“As if I could with this blasted light,” I mumbled. I looked upfrom under my lashes and suddenly realized he was naked. I quickly looked backdown. I’d seen plenty of men naked before, but I’d never been alone in a roomwith them before.

I looked back up when I heard clanking. He was grabbing hisarmor.

“Hey, since you are here, you want to help me with this blastedstuff?” I realized he was talking to me because there was no one else in theroom.

I stood up and examined the armor plates.

“The strings are so hard to work with,” he said, trying to reachthem. I pulled the laces tightly, bringing the front and back plate togetherand tied them in place. He put on his belt and I saw the holster for hispistol, the sheath for his short sword, and the clip for his whip, but none ofthe items were actually there.

“Where are your weapons?”

“I had to turn them in for the night because you were coming tomy room. I’ll grab them after I lead you back to your family’s cell.”

“Oh, of course.” You wouldn’t trust a dishonored to be in thesame room as unsecured weapons.

He laughed. "Come on, let’s go.” He cleared his throat andsuddenly became gruff. His eyes hardened. He grabbed my wrist and dragged me forwards. “Stop fighting me. I don’t want to actuallyhurt you. I just need to look like I’m being rough when we leave thisroom."

I swallowed and let him yank me out of the room. When we reached my family’s cell block, therewas a guard handing out the morning bread to ladies of the guards first. Bryanlet go of me and I made my way toward the line, careful to not look and watchhim leave. None of the other women watched their guards leave and I had to belike them.

I grabbed a handful of bread and stuffed it in my mouth. Foodwas always so good, so delicious. Another woman knocked into me, and I realizedit was my sister. That mysterious figure I hadn’t seen in ages. Her curly brownhair had gotten long enough to be an afro.

“Casia!”

She turned and glared at me. “Who are you? You’re new? Don’ttalk to me, loser.” She said it loudly and the guards laughed. I stared at herin shock. In an undertone whisper, as she was turning away, I heard, “Hi,sister. Bryan will look after you.”

She stalked away from me like a queen. All the women moved outof her way. She grabbed three pieces of bread but the guard said nothing. Shesmiled at him. “See you tonight, Regan. I’m all yours, right?”

He started to smile, then stopped, unsure of how to react. “Umm,yes, of course. See you tonight, Casia.” Even the guards respected her. Sheturned and went toward the collection point, and as she passed me she winkedand whispered without looking at me. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

What did she think I was going to do? And what was she doing?She seemed to have all the guards wrapped around her little finger.

I followed in her powerful wake toward the collection area andspotted one more familiar face: Reese. I guess she must be older than eighteen.