Dishonor (Book 1 of the In Search of Honor series)
Chapter 7: Ruined

Bryanwalked up and grabbed my arm pulling me along behind him. He dragged me backoutside to the well. “Wash up girl, and wash that sack a little. I don’t wantanyone that dirty in my room.”

Istriped off the sack and quickly dumped a bucket on myself to get the bits ofmanure off. It was cold and I started shivering from the night chill and thecold water on my skin. I pulled up a second bucket and scrubbed the sack in it.When I finished I put back on the dripping wet sack. I hoped that Bryan hadsome plan for me to dry off.

Thesecond my sack was back on Bryan grabbed my arm and dragged me back alongthrough unknown corridors till we reached his room. He opened the door andshoved me in in front of him. As soon as the door was closed he let me go andbolted the door.

“Waitthere, I’ll grab you a towel to dry of with. And you can wear it so your sackcan have time to dry. He walked off leaving me standing there by the door, andthen he came back with a soft gray towel. He held it out to me, and for asecond my hands hovered over it, afraid to touch its soft material, but then Igrabbed it, feeling the soft texture caress my hands. I stripped off the sack andquickly dried of with the towel and then wrapped it around my body.

WhenI finished I realized that Bryan was staring at me. “What are you looking at?”

Heflashed a devious looking grin my direction, “A woman with a beautiful body.”

Iwished I hadn’t asked. I could feel my cheeks heat up instantly and I lookeddown at the ground wishing I could hide my blush. I had to change the topic,“Why did sc-Kyle shoot that girl two days ago if he is such a good guy?”

Bryan’ssmile disappeared in a second. “He, He told me about that. He did it out ofmercy and pity. She’d been being whipped a lot because she wasn’t completingher tasks. She was getting weaker and weaker, and her body wasn’t able tohandle the strain on what little food they were feeding her. He was requestingher almost every night and taking care of her and feeding her extra, but shewas asking him every night to put her out of her misery. Finally when shecollapsed and couldn’t get up he finally got the nerve to do it and end itquickly for her so that she didn’t have a long drawn out death. He was prettyupset about her death.”

Hewas silent afterward, staring at the ground. “I had to kill a young man theother day. He was only about fifteen. He tried to kill me with a shard of glasshe found, and I slashed his throat with my sword. He had no chance against mytraining, but my training took over, and I even if I hadn’t killed him then hewould have been executed.”

Ididn’t know what to day. How do you comfort someone who has killed in closequarters? My mother always comforted with hugs now, but she hadn’t when I was achild. When I was growing up she hardly ever looked kindly at my sister or I.It was always lectures on being a proper lady. When bad things happened shewould simply say we had to hold it together and we couldn’t be upset or cry. Ididn’t know how to comfort.

Nowshe would awkwardly hug her children with Jordan, and she would even try andhug my sister or I when things were tough for us, but neither of us were goodat accepting hugs. But I didn’t know what else to do other than stand thereawkwardly.

Andthe moment passed because Bryan went to take off his armor, and I breathed asigh of relief. I carefully hung my sack up on a hook near the door so that itwould dry. I walked over toward the bed and stood there in his towel waitingfor permission to sit down on the bed.

Hequickly took off the armor and then the uniform underneath. I turned away so Iwouldn’t have to look at his naked body and see his muscular abs. I could seehis strong arms and shoulders well enough with his armor on. He did have a nicebody, and even that thought made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be thinkingof him as having nice anything.

Hecame over and stood in front of me, and I realized he was in a gray robe thatwas tied at his waist. He lifted my head up to look up at him and I foundmyself looking into brown eyes. I could remember Kevin lifting my head up tolook at him as well, but I wasn’t looking at Kevin now.

“Youdon’t hug people much do you?” He asked. He had freckles over the bridge of hisnose. I had never noticed those before.

“Umm,no.” I was just barely managing to keep my composure at our close proximity.Suddenly his arms wrapped around me and I just stood there awkwardly unsure ofwhat I was supposed to do.

“Now,you wrap your arms around me.” I slowly lifted my arms up and wrapped themaround his body. I felt uncomfortable and wanted to simply leave his embrace,but he was sitting there holding me. I could feel his muscles and it wasstrange. There was a small part of, a very small part of me, that liked thiscontact and didn’t want him to let go or for me to let go of him.

Suddenlythe towel started to drop and I quickly released him to hold the towel up. Hestarted laughing much to my chagrin, and released me. “You know I’ve seen younaked. I’m not sure why you insist on clutching at that towel.”

“Youweren’t touching me when I was naked.” I must be as red as a torch. I couldfeel my cheeks burning. Only Kevin had ever made me blush before.

“Let’sget to sleep. I’ll even let you sleep with the towel if it makes you morecomfortable. You can grab your sack tomorrow. And you can thank Kyle for thebath. He’s the one that warned me that you girls were required to roll in thehorse manure since you got to work in the house.”

Iwasn’t sure if I was supposed to reply to something in that string ofstatements. Bryan went around to the side of the bed he had slept on lastnight, and I secured the towel on my body before slipping into the side of thebed he was letting me sleep on. The bed was so soft that it was hard to getcomfortable because nothing was making me uncomfortable.

Iheard banging on the door and realized I had fallen asleep. I wasn’t sure howlong I had been out for, but it was obviously long enough, and the lights wereout in the room. I looked over and saw Bryan sitting upright on his side of thebed.

Hemotioned for me to get out of the bed, and I did making sure to bring the towelthat had stayed on me with me. He silently moved toward the door and grabbed mysack. He yanked the towel from me and forced the sack over my head and threwthe towel over at his armor. “Stay.” He whispered.

Thenhe went to the door. “What? I was trying to sleep. I don’t know what could beso important that you need me in the middle of the night unless there has beena prison break, but where would an escapee go?”

“NoWhitamor, we need the girl in there with you. We have a report that she is atraitor. So open up now.” A traitor? What? I hadn’t done anything… Was itmistress Lianne? Had she realized, or maybe Jordan. Maybe that was why he wasworking with our group. Maybe Reese had told him by accident not realizing hewas an informant. Maybe she had only told him about me, and Kevin and hisfamily were still safe.

Suddenlythere were hands grabbing my wrists and forcing them together. Iron links wereattached to my wrists forcing my hands to stay behind my back when they releasedme. I hadn’t even heard Bryan open the door.

“Doyou want me to come with you and help you handle this traitor?” that wasBryan’s gruff and unfriendly voice.

“No,the night guards will handle this. You have work tomorrow. Get some sleep.We’ll probably get to watch a fun execution tomorrow unless this witch choosesexile, but no one chooses exile. No one is stupid enough to want to die fromthe poisons these walls protect us from.” I didn’t know this guard, but hisstatement gave me an ounce of hope.

Icould always choose exile. There was a small chance I might survive if I wasonly exiled. I should have listened to my sister. I shouldn’t have moved on theplan until I knew what my sister was doing. Why had I been so certain that Icouldn’t stay here any longer? It wouldn’t have been too terrible. Bryan was anice guy.

Iwas being pulled along, and when I stumbled or tripped and lost my feet theysimply dragged me, but I barely felt anything. My mind was still reeling frombeing caught. Exile or execution? I could still remember my father’s head beingheld up after it was cut off.

Iwould go with exile. I wouldn’t give these guards the satisfaction of my deathbeing their fun.

Wewere in a narrow corridor with cells with iron grates on either side. “Where arewe?” I asked unable to keep my curiosity down now that I was facing death andstaring it in the face. It was like everything I had learned as a dishonoredover the years had completely disappeared in the face of my new situation.

“Shutup girl.” Once of the guards slapped me, but I didn’t even feel the sting ofit.

“Whynot tell me? I’m going to die anyway.” I couldn’t stop. I should have beenpleading for my life, or swearing up and down that I wasn’t a traitor, but thatdidn’t seem to matter anymore.

“Shutup.” The guard slapped me again, but another guard laughed.

Thelaughing guard spoke after he finished laughing as we slowed down. “She has apoint. Girl, you are in the death row corridor. Once, when this place was aprison under the country our city was once a part of, people on death row hadto wait years to die and they had to go to a trial and all sorts of annoyingthings. These cells used to be full. But with overpopulation the king of thecity realized that killing the extra prisoners was a good way to get rid ofextra people and get rid of a drain on our resources. That was also when hestarted up the labor policies for prisoners. Eventually a different kingrealized that if he dishonored the whole family he got even more workers forthe city that didn’t need a lot of good food and could die and nobody wouldcare. This again helped solve the problem of over population.”

Hepaused as if for effect. Or maybe he was done. Maybe that was all he was goingto tell me about this corridor and the history of the dishonored, but then hecontinued as I was pulled into a cell. “This corridor is empty because we onlyuse it to store dishonored waiting for execution or exile. You’ll have a friendsoon though. There were two names turned in by the informant. Welcome to themodern death row sweetheart.”

Theguard that had told me to shut up yanked my wrists and I felt a thick metalband going around one wrist, and then a thick metal band went around my otherwrist. Then the handcuffs came off, but I was left shackled to the wall.

Therewere three guards; one who stayed silent in the shadows and the two that hadhauled me along, information guard and hitting guard.

Informationguard leaned down toward me, and suddenly kissed me, and I stood there inshock. I hadn’t been expecting it, and if I had been I would have tried to bitehim. He laughed as he pulled away, “I half expected you to bite me, but I guessthat is why you were with Whitamor, to learn manners. At least I got a littlebit of payment for the information I gave you, even if you didn’t return thekiss. Your last kiss before death and you sit there like a block of wood.”

Hestarted to walk toward the door and I called out, “Wait.”

Heturned back toward me and I continued, “Do you…” I took a deep breath, “Do youknow the name of the other person? I can promise you, no one else wasinvolved.”

Hestarted to turn away again without answering and I did the only thing I couldthink of, “I’ll give you another kiss, a real kiss this time. It’s wrong for agirl to die without ever having kissed a guy, isn’t it?”

Iwasn’t sure why I said that. He disgusted me and I would rather bite him, but Iremember Jordan saying how a girl could use her body to get things, and mysister owning the prison. I just wanted to know who the other name they hadwas. Had I accidentally gotten Reese in trouble?

Heturned back and smiled at me in the dim light, “You have a deal girl. Kissfirst and I will tell you the name.”

Hewalked back and I steadied my nerves. It was just a kiss. I found myselfwishing Bryan had gotten to teaching me about this, but I would have to do mybest. As soon as his lips touched mine I kissed him, and it was strange. I feltnothing. No revulsion that I expected to feel and at the same time no pleasureor anything that could make me understand what made kissing special. It wasmessy and weird, and I am pretty sure I did a terrible job, but I did my best.

Theguard pulled away laughing again. He laughed a lot. “You really have neverkissed anyone before. I can tell that. One day you might have managed to becomea good kisser, but you are obviously not natural at it. Hmm should I give youthe name…”

Hestood there for a moment staring at me, and I prayed that he would tell me thename, and then he spoke, “His name is Kevin.”

Istared at his retreating back shell shocked. I hadn’t thought, but theycouldn’t. Kevin wasn’t. It wasn’t Kevin’s idea. Kevin was only involved in myplot. We had made sure he would seem innocent. Jordan couldn’t have knownunless Reese had a really big mouth and had mentioned Kevin. But why?

Andwhy wasn’t she being put in here as well? Had Jordan not mentioned her becausehe was getting valuable information out of her unsealed lips? I felt all myenergy seep out of me. I sagged again the shackles and realized that standingup with my hands at my side I couldn’t move my hands forward, which meant… Itried to sit down and found my hands pulled up as a kneeled, and as I sat theywent straight to being held tight above my head. If I wanted to rest my legs myarms were above my head. If I wanted to rest my arms I had to stand. At leastthe chain that connected my arms to the wall moved through a link so that Icould get more chain for one arm if I put the other arm up to the link.

Despairreplaced the numbness, and suddenly I truly realized that I was going to die. Ididn’t want to die! Not now. I hadn’t… I couldn’t die. Not now. I didn’t wantto die now that I faced its ugly and frightening face. I felt tears leakingdown my cheeks but I didn’t care. I was going to die.

Iheard more footsteps coming in. And then I heard his voice, Kevin’s voice. “Iswear, I had no clue. I didn’t know I employed a treasonous dishonored. Youhave to believe me that I knew nothing about their plans. Please. I wasn’tinvolved in this and neither was my family. I was falsely accused. Someone hasslandered my name, but I swear that I have done nothing to deserve this. I havebeen a good loyal servant of the king.”

Myown frantic thoughts froze and I realized Kevin sounded like a wimp. Then Iheard information guard’s voice, “The girl you were using in your plot facedthis more bravely than you. The king doesn’t care if you were involved in theplot or not. He’s been looking for an excuse to dishonor your family and hasbeen filling your dishonored ranks with informants. He’s been waiting only forthe slightest whisper of a plot to dishonor you or execute you, and if hedidn’t replace one he was going to manufacture one, so at least your plot wasreal.”

Theguard laughed and I could hear Kevin whimpering, “But my brother. You can’tdishonor him, or my father. My father won’t last a day dishonored. Please. Wehad nothing to do with this plot.”

“AsI said. We don’t care.” I heard them open a cell door that sounded like it wasmine, and it was because a second later information guard and hitting guardentered dragging Kevin on his knees. Again, there was the third guard in theshadows watching. Now I realized this guard had a cloak.

Iwatched impassively as they chained Kevin in his fancy clothes across from me.There would be no golden haired wife for him now.

Informationguard spoke again, but it was directed at me, “Now your company has arrived. Wewere going to chain him in a different cell, but decided you might like thecompany, though I’m not sure how good company he is. You really chose a whinerto plot the destruction of a castle with, but I must say, your plans werereally well laid out, and if you hadn’t trusted the wrong people, you mighthave succeeded.”

Isaid nothing as he left. I didn’t know how they knew the specifics, but I felta little better. They had been looking to kill Kevin. My being involved wasjust a plus for them. It made me wonder if my father had actually said anythingand if Annie’s father had actually been planning to get him into the castle tokill the king.

Icould hear Kevin crying, and it reminded me of how my mind had gone franticearlier. Now I was numb again, and calm again. Somehow seeing Kevin so upsetcalmed me down. I remembered how, when they originally dishonored me, and I wasstanding there naked in front of the crowd; they had cut off my dark blondhair. Now my hair was an ashy brown, but back then I had had beautiful honeyblonde highlights on dark blonde hair. I had seen my hair in their hands likemy father’s head, and I had cried with fear and uncertainty. They stuffed me ina cage, and I realized there was another person in there. A girl my age who wasalso naked and with recently chopped off hair. It took me a second to recognizeher, but then I realized it was Annie, my father’s secretary’s daughter.

“Annie?”I whispered.

“Liv?”she whispered back my childhood nickname, and suddenly we were clinging to eachother crying. She had lived in my family’s cell because we had claimed her asour “sibling” when we were documented at the gates of the prison. My mom hadnamed each of us, even Annie, as her children. She had named my sister and I asa year younger than we were, but couldn’t lower Annie’s age because otherwiseAnnie couldn’t have been her child as well as me.

HadAnnie been in this same cell before she died for honor? Did she think death wasworth refusing a guard? Was she afraid and praying to God, or was she onlywishing that she had company in her last days. Now here I was with Kevin in acell on death row. Was she so honor bound because of me? Would she have beendifferent if she hadn’t gown up with my bull-headed, stubborn refusal to giveup honor? Maybe she would still be alive. And now, Kevin and I were bothscheduled to die. What a strange and messed up world it was.

Kevintook both of us into his house. He had set up his own demise with two girls whowanted revenge more than anything else, and he had promised to help them. Whata strange world. They now called Kevin the ring leader, but it was really me.Kevin was just a pawn in my plot.

Theyhad never broken me. All the whippings. All the put downs and suffering. I hadsimply hidden the fire, and controlled it so that I could focus it on myrevenge. I was the cause of my own demise. I could have survived and not been apart of the Konjack’s fall from favor, but it was my own desire for revengethat had brought me down.

Isuddenly spoke up, “I plan to be exiled.”

Kevindidn’t respond. “You should come with me. Maybe they are lying and there issomething beyond the radiation zone. Maybe if we replace it, we can come back andtake your family and my family there so they don’t have to live as dishonored.”

Therewas still hope. Exile wasn’t certain death. They told us that it was a painfuldeath where you slowly coughed up your innards, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe itwas simply lies to convince everyone to simply die instead of brining hope backto a population under forced control of a king. I was staring at hope’s faceinstead of certain death. This was an opportunity.

“Exileis a certain painful death.” That was Kevin’s scratchy voice. Finally he hadcome out of his terrified state.

“No,that’s what they tell us. That is what a king that tries to control hissubjects tells us. Imagine, the blue sky of legend, and being under itsomewhere beyond the wall.”

“Iguess…”

Andthe cell door opened. The cloaked guard walked in and a light turned on. “Hellomy favorite conspirers on death row.” Was that…

Theguard pulled down his hood and I gasped, it was Reese. How… but… women weren’tguards. How could she… She was dishonored.

Ifound myself stammering, “You… but… your father…”

Andshe laughed, or it was more like a superior sound of pure evil, “I am a spy. Weare placed in the best positions to replace or create traitors. I was placed tobring down the Konjacks, and you played right into my hands, but how could youresist me? I’ve been trained since birth to act a part. I knew just how to actto make you trust me. Given a little more time I could have had you believing Iwas your best friend ever, but you caved early and gave me the information Ineeded. I must say, the whipping I had to get was painful, and the scars willbe annoying, but it was part of the part I was playing.”

“Areyou, is your real name even Reese.” That was all I could think of to ask. Eventhough Rachel had warned me, I had never suspected the full extent of hertreachery. I had thought it was anyone other than she.

“No.I don’t have a real name. I’ve been playing parts since I was born.” Her chinwas lifted high and I realized the part she was playing now was just anotherpart. She needed us to incriminate ourselves, and she was now playing the partof a guard. I could save Kevin if he didn’t say anything stupid.

“Itwas all me. Kevin had no knowledge of this. Kevin told me that he had plans tosend me and another girl to the castle so I came up with plans for revenge.” Iwas already dishonored, and this was my chance, but maybe I could give Kevinanother chance.

Reesenarrowed her eyes at me and pulled out paper, “Then how do you explain theseplans you showed me?”

“Iwas storing them in his room. No one else cleaned his room. He had nothing todo with it. You can’t prove that he was involved unless he admits it, and sincehe isn’t guilty he won’t admit it. You need us to admit in front of people.Well I admit. It was all me. When I learned he was sending you as well I askedyou to join my plan in his room because I knew no one else went in there.Therefore he is not guilty and his family does not deserve dishonor.” He wouldstill hate me for dragging him into my plot, but if I got him out of it hemight at least forgive me.

“Youdon’t seem to understand that if he refuses to talk we have methods of makinghim talk. And if he doesn’t talk we can also torture you and make youincriminate him in this. We will replace incriminating evidence. My mother was incharge of the operation against your father, and your father never actuallyeven said he planned to kill the king. My mother created evidence and forcedhis secretary to talk. It was the most beautiful operation I’ve ever watched,and I will have such a perfect ending to my own work.”

Shewas crazy. All she wanted was us dead, “Well you can’t force us to lie. Nomatter how much you torture us we will stay strong in the truth. The truth isthat I have been planning revenge since that king first killed my father. Youcan’t make me say anything different.”

Sheturned and smiled at me, “I’m sure I can’t make you say anything different Liv.And that probably is the truth that you want revenge. Revenge for that, revengefor Annie, but you dragged your friend in with you. Did you ever wonder why youwere assigned to his house? We knew you were friends. You were planted to causehim to question the king’s ways so that he would plot against the king. You twojust took longer than we expected. You were less rash than we thought you were.But we got what we wanted in the end, and Kevin isn’t used to pain. Knowing thenobles and how easily they will say anything to make the pain go away he willgive up in about an hour or maybe even less. You could have saved yourself. Youcould have put all the blame on him, and we would have accepted it. You aredishonored and if he was ordering you around no one would blame you forfollowing orders. It is what dishonored do. But you took the blame and haveincriminated yourself, and he will soon admit to his guilt, so you have losteither way.”

Itwas a long explanation, but she was right. He had never felt the pain of thelash. He hadn’t seen death up close. He hadn’t slept on hard floors even oncebefore. She might not even have to torture him. He might give up after thefirst night of sleeping chained up like an animal. She didn’t have a long wait.

Reesepulled her hood back up, and swept out of the room taking all of her disdainand her entourage of guards with her. When I couldn’t hear her footstepsanymore I turned back toward Kevin who had slumped forward against his chains.

Helooked up and his voice was filled with despair, “Why did they chain us in thecell? We are already their prisoners.”

Hewas silly if he didn’t understand, “They want our confessions. They could careless about our comfort. If you want your family to stay honored you have to bewilling to die a painful tortured death. They will torture you till you diewithout saying something. Then they will torture me until I die. If we both diewithout saying anything then they will release your family with an apology forkilling you and for thinking you were a traitor.”

“But…I don’t want to die. My engagement to Linda Richardson was to be announced intwo days. I…”

“Youare going to die either way.” I cut in. “It matters if you die in honor or indishonor as a traitor with your head being held before a crowd. I can stick tomy story under torture, can you? If you can’t just remember that you are goingto die even if the pain stops. Don’t let them make you talk.”

“Idon’t know. I could always go for exile like you were saying.” His voice wasshaky and scared. He had never faced real hardship I reminded myself.

“Don’tthink about that. It’s not an option. Think about Felise and your father havingto survive as dishonored. Remember how terrible it was for me. Don’t do that toFelise.” I wasn’t sure why I wanted to convince him to not dishonor his family,but I couldn’t stand to think of young Felise living in the conditions I livedin and growing up with either hate or despair in his chest. And Rachel. Shemight either be assigned to the new family or she would be cast to a publicgroup, and she was older and would have trouble handling it. She had alwaysbeen like a mother to me.

“Iguess at least I wasn’t engaged to Linda yet. She won’t be dishonored becauseof me.” He already sounded defeated. I wasn’t sure I would be able to convincehim to stay strong.

“Goahead and sleep Kevin. You’ll want your strength for tomorrow.” He pulledhimself up to a standing position and tried to just lean against the wall. Ishook my head and this time told him exactly what to do, “Kevin, sit down and letthe chains hold your arms up. It will be tiring and uncomfortable, but at leastyou will be able to sleep and the chains will support your arms.”

Iwatched as he gingerly lowered himself into a sitting position and his armswent up and were held over his head by his chains. He let the chains hold him,and within seconds he was asleep. It must have been a long day for him. It hadbeen a long day for both of us, but I watched him for a while longer trying tomake out his face in the dark. I didn’t want to be scared, but I didn’t knowwhat Reese would do to him. I had never heard of a spy before, so obviouslyonly traitors and the people who served her had heard of them. Eventually Icouldn’t hold my head up anymore and I let it sag forward and my eyelids droop.