Fearless (The Powerless Trilogy)
Fearless: Chapter 69

It is six days after Kitt’s death when we gain the courage to gather the stack of bloody letters.

Most are unmaimed by the king’s death, having shied into a dark corner of his desk drawer. Ink smears across the pages of some while blood stains the others, leaving words to gasp beneath the large splotches. Each letter plucks apart a different piece of Kitt. Some anger and grief, others calculating or lonely.

Not all are addressed to someone. Most are just a scribble of consciousness or spillage of emotion.

But there is no shortage of tears.

Kai weeps for his brother. I weep briefly for the boy I used to know. Kitt Azer was at war with himself, the pen his weapon and the parchment his foe. The battle that raged behind his eyes was one he fought alone until the very end.

The brothers are lost without each other. Kitt, because his Enforcer is no longer his. And Kai, because his king has died in his arms.

So he weeps.

Kitt is gone, and a piece of Kai with him.

Father is still dead. She killed him.

I’m not sure what else to say, or write, or do.

I can still see his severed neck when I shut my eyes, so I don’t sleep.

Paedyn is gone. The girl I trusted is now a traitor to the crown. A killer.

And I am angry. Why am I so angry? He never loved me.

But he died before I got the chance to make him.

I’m sending my Enforcer after her—I don’t think he likes when I call him that. We haven’t spoken much since the moment I kneeled in the mud at Father’s side.

I feel something fraying inside me. Maybe it’s my sanity.

Paedyn,

Did you watch the light leave his eyes?

Those are my eyes. But you knew that.

I am angry. But you knew that.

And yet, part of me is still trying to hate you. But you knew that.

My Enforcer is coming for you.

Run.

They buried the king. Made me the next one.

I haven’t left the study in days. I’m not sure I’ve spoken to anything but paper in days.

Servants gossip beneath my window.

I dump my food there to give them something else to talk about.

Everyone thinks I’ve gone mad, and maybe I have.

Maybe

I

always

was.

Kai does not mourn. I see the concern on his face whenever our eyes meet, like he’s trying to understand why it is I grieve. He will never know what it means to be a failure. Father loved power, and that is what he saw in my brother. But me? I was meek. Kind. Nothing like the heir he’d hoped for.

A disappointment.

I am tired of grieving.

What did he ever do to earn my love?

Was it commanded of me? I only know what to do when he’s asked it of me. And he did not tell me to feel. No, I did too much of that. Too kind. Too weak. Too soft. Too unlike Kai.

I am sick of mourning.

I’ve been mourning the lack of his love all my life.

Everything was for him. All that I am and all I am becoming.

Father. King. You.

YOU.

All of this is for you. Can you see that from beneath the six feet of dirt that separates us? Is this need for your love too weak for you? If you are shouting up at me, you’ll have to speak up, Father.

Power is what you have always wanted from me.

So I’ll become it.

Calum found me, just as I figured he would.

Brave. Benevolent. Brutal.

He told me of his plan to continue my father’s work. I was reminded once again of when the king told me of his hope for a truly Elite Ilya. It all seemed so simple-minded, so lowly for a man who expected perfection from his sons.

For so many years, I hoped that something great was to come from his lack of love. But Father’s obsession with Ordinaries has brought him to his knees.

Calum tells me to marry Paedyn Gray. My father’s killer.

She will draw the remaining Ordinaries out of hiding. Her reign will be a ploy to discreetly rid Ilya of the weak.

But I want to do so much more.

I found Father’s letter to me. He wishes for me to fulfill his plans, carry on ridding the kingdom of Ordinaries. And I might have done just that, might have followed in his footsteps, hoping to please him in death.

But then I learned the truth.

Elites could be made, and I could rule over all of them.

With an Ordinary as queen, the kingdoms will open their borders to us. It won’t be difficult to smuggle the Plague into each city with laced resources. And when a new wave of Elites is born, I will be their king.

I will be great.

I will prove myself to Father.

I will be so much greater than him.

Brother,

When was the last time I called you that? It’s strange, not sparring with you in the mornings, or visiting Gail to see who can get away with snatching the most food from behind her back.

I miss us. No titles. No duties.

You left for your mission two days ago, and I can’t help but wonder if you will return. Do you love this version of me enough? Is that even fair to ask?

You are supposed to be loyal to me.

I am going to be better for you. For us. No one has ever loved me like you. I need you to make me whole again. You, Kai. I was harsh when you left—I know. But just come home and punish me for it in the training ring. Come home and give me another chance at being your brother.

Or perhaps she is where your loyalties lie.

We are going to change Ilya, Brother.

You and me. Always.

Calum has agreed to my plan.

The surrounding kingdoms must open their borders at the welcoming of Ordinaries and the engagement to Paedyn Gray. As much as I wish to rip her from our lives, Calum pointed out the sway she holds within the slums. I only need her on the throne as a symbol to the cities so they will lower their guards against us.

That is, until the Plague rids us of her. Everything fell apart when she stumbled into our lives. She killed my father. Stole my brother. Even now, the traitor is likely tugging Kai back into her arms.

But I need her for a little while longer.

And then I’ll have my brother back.

I took a dose of the Plague.

Maybe it was a mistake. I read in Father’s letter how he gave a dose to Ava when she was born. He was so terrified of having a weak child that he did everything he could to prevent it. But Ava was only a child—she could not survive the sickness.

When I told the Scholars of my plans for Ilya, they adamantly informed me that there was not enough research done on what would happen to an Elite who took another portion of the Plague. So I became their test subject before they could object. Now they are forced to do everything they can to keep me alive.

I haven’t told Kai about the truth of Ava’s death—about anything, really. But I will survive this Plague. I have to. I have to be great. Father always thought I was too soft, too weak. Now I will be far more powerful than he ever was. I only need to live.

Kai,

You should be back by now.

Did you run away with her? Did you abandon our forever for a chance at one with our father’s murderer?

You still love her, don’t you?

Don’t you see how she drove us apart? She ruined us.

Come home. Please.

All will be as it once was.

The Scholars are fighting me.

They want to hoard our abilities like the kings before had. The Healers monitor me closely, waiting for the first signs of sickness—and whether or not I will survive it.

I force them all to fall in line with my plan.

I am not the kings before.

My Enforcer is back with my betrothed.

He brought her home to me.

Perhaps his loyalty still resides with me. Perhaps I’ve misjudged his feelings for Paedyn. Ridding her from our lives may be easier than I thought.

The court was shocked by my decree. The people must welcome Ordinaries into Ilya so the surrounding cities will welcome us. They have yet to discover how great I will make this kingdom—how far I will stretch our borders.

Paedyn let me slip that ring onto her finger because she hopes for a united Ilya. But I will unite far more than Ilya.

Every city inked onto our maps, from the Shallows to the Scorches, will be ours.

For my own legacy. For my brother. For us.

The bombing at the parade was unpleasant, but effective.

Easel pushed for Paedyn to prove herself to the kingdom by entering another set of Trials—just like I’d planned. I want her gone, and the people want a distraction. But she will be of use to me if she lives to see her second Trial.

I will have Paedyn sail to Izram and leave behind a crate of roses laced with the Plague. If my bandits kill her before then, I will start with Dor.

I’m coughing now, but I do my best to hide it. I don’t want Kai to worry. Several Healers and Scholars document my progress daily. Foul-tasting herbs are forced down my throat in the hopes that they will aid my chances of survival.

Nothing is stronger than a woman who is told she’s weak.

Something has changed in Paedyn. These Trials have only empowered her. Part of me almost wants to admire her resilience.

We have spent several civil moments together, all while I bite my tongue and smother my feelings. I was wrong to think Kai abandoned his love for her. The two are closer than ever, and I am the one who drove them together. I see the way my brother looks at her, devotion slipping beneath the mask of stoicism Father taught him to wear.

I think Kai worries that I still have feelings for Paedyn, that I push her away in consideration of him. Let him think what he must. But anything I felt for Paedyn Gray died when my father did. When she betrayed me like I believed she never would.

I want her gone. I can feel Kai slipping away from me by the day. He will choose her—I know he will. And I will not lose my brother.

I found my mother’s jewelry box.

It was the first time I went into her chamber. For years, I wondered what was behind that door. Now I know that it is only memory. The room is dusty, forgotten, stagnant. There were hardly any remnants of the woman I would have called “Mother”—only that wooden box of her most prized possessions.

But it was the notes I found inside that were most intriguing. And then they were worrying. It took me several minutes to recognize whose handwriting decorated them. The anger followed quickly after.

If Calum was intimate with my mother, I have no way of knowing if I am the rightful heir. That knowledge belongs to the Mind Reader alone. Even the mere possibility of him being my father makes him a liability. He may have to be dealt with.

Paedyn,

In truth, you’re not an easy individual to hate. I wouldn’t even say my feelings toward you are so strong. They are, rather, indifferent. There was once a time when Paedyn Gray had both the princes wrapped around her finger, but that was before she betrayed me and killed my father. I don’t take it personally, really. Not anymore. In fact, you freed me from the man who was only ever holding me back.

I found something else to chase, obsess over, as I often do. And you are helping me. For that, I am thankful. But please do not take offense to the inevitable demise I will let you meet. This legacy, this life, was only ever meant for my brother and me to share. And I will not share him with you.

When the time comes, I will ensure the kingdom mourns you. You have my word. I don’t wish to be your monster, Paedyn. Part of me still cares for you. But I only know how to love my brother.

I steal moments with Kai whenever I am able. He keeps me stable. I feel like myself when I am with him, even as the Plague begins eating away at my sanity.

I only wish to return things to the way they were—before her. His feelings for my betrothed are not ideal, but he will come to see her as the threat she is to us.

I just want my brother back. I want greatness.

Is that too much to ask for?

The Plague has made me weak, dulled my mind. Anger is an emotion that now belongs to the Plague. I feel it wash over me like a wave I cannot control. Kai soothes that fraying part of myself. But Paedyn unleashes it.

It feels good, getting drunk with my brother again. Paedyn is there. Paedyn is always there. But it is bearable when Kai is around. I can be myself, be with him. The Plague allows me that.

I enjoy the time with my brother. And deep down, I enjoy the little time I have left with Paedyn.

They set sail for Izram today.

I may never see my brother again. Doesn’t he realize this is all for him? For us? He was never meant to sail over the treacherous waters. But he is in love with her. He will do anything for her because he loves her more than he loves me. I just need him to come home.

Sending Paedyn to Izram was partially with the hope that she wouldn’t return. I discreetly informed the captain that dumping her from the ship was an option, if his men so desired. But with Kai on board, he will ensure that Paedyn makes it home in one piece—or neither of them will.

Though, the true purpose of her journey is to gift Izram a crate of laced roses. They will be the first to endure the Plague, but in time, they will thank me for it.

If the sea allows Paedyn to meet Queen Zailah, her Trial still stands. I need her to convince the stubborn woman to accept our peace offering. And I need Kai to come home. I don’t know what I will be when he returns.

The royal physicians are worried. My mind is drifting. My body is weak. But I am going to live. I cannot die before I am better than him. I am going to live.

Unlike my father, I do not need Calum to help carry out my plans. Fear festers when I am around him, all rooted in my unknown legitimacy. I should simply dispose of him. It is as though paranoia has planted a seed in my mind that grows by the day.

I don’t feel right.

My mind is slipping, and it is not just the Plague at fault. I have piled so much pressure on my shoulders that—No, Father has done this to me. It is because of him that I am this way. Obsessive. Controlling. In constant need of approval. My mind is not my own—maybe it never was.

I don’t want to be a monster. I don’t want Kai to see me as one.

My ship arrived at the dock in shambles. It’s a miracle they survived the sea and its creatures. But my gift was accepted. My brother is back. And what is left of me is here to greet him.

I am coughing up blood now. Another fun side effect of the Plague. I’ve lost weight rapidly, and I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night.

Kai is worried about me. He knows I am not myself.

I watched my brother die yesterday.

Beneath the illusion, his name was Makoto Khitan.

Calum told me how he found a Wielder outside the Bowl after that third Purging Trial. How his mind screamed of grief and rage for the seamstress who was killed. But it was Paedyn he blamed for her being there in the first place.

So I offered him a chance at revenge. Ironically, I used the tunnels to sneak out into the Bowl, then down the path toward Loot. I needed one final push for Ilya to fall into line, accept my changes to the kingdom. But I would not risk throwing Kai into that Bowl. Because I knew he would let Paedyn kill him. Because my brother would die to save her, not kill her to live with me.

Makoto agreed to fight Paedyn. But the hefty sum I paid him to put on a good show was futile. He didn’t leave the arena alive.

Paedyn Gray has a way of making people care about her.

There are holes in my memory. I ignored it at first, but now I think the Healers are right. The Plague is eating away at me—my mind.

Paedyn Gray is the daughter of Iris Moyra. She is an illegitimate child. And I could not risk being found out as the same. So when she told me what she learned from Calum, how she believed him to be a Dual, I went along with her theory.

Calum could read the apology in my mind before I shoved my sword through his chest. It was nothing personal. Truly. But I refuse to be reduced to a bastard. Not after everything I have endured, everything I have planned for Ilya.

They bowed before her. All of the slums.

She has a claim to the throne. And I won’t let her overthrow me. I need this. Doesn’t she know I need this? She has already achieved greatness in my Trials. This is mine I need this legacy I need her gone I need to be great—