North x Northwest
Chapter 135

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Headnote: Hi guys, we’re back! For everyone who missed it, last week we posted an announcement regarding the comeback of the Manhwa! Hit the ‘previous’ button if you’re interested! 😊

– – – – –

A few hours ago.

‘I need to tell her that I’m sorry.’

His rational self-reflection already came after only half a day of confinement.

Ed raised his head amid a sense of self-pity and all kinds of self-deprecating emotions.

‘At first, I was angry. What Cesar read out was clearly a ridiculous fabrication. There’s no need to go into the authenticity of the content, for Cesar simply doesn’t know how to decipher ‘Nicola’s Tears*’. It seems that Liloa thought it was the Mandus code used by officers, but ‘Nicola’s Tears’ is a code system only known by the now retired Nicola, Sagastar, and a small selection of high ranked officers on the Visha’s… Unless Cesar became me, he couldn’t have pulled a book from my Admiral’s room on the Visha, tens of thousands of morts away from the Bell Rock…

This absurd situation… if Liloa had even a smidgeon of suspicion, she should’ve noticed that it was all part of a bigger conspiracy. But she believed it in a heartbeat. She didn’t even look at the letter; all she knew was what Cesar recited. It was absolute trust that left no room for suspicion to dig into. I’m not sure why she delegated that authority to Cesar, but seeing it right in front of my eyes made me furious.

I can’t accept it at all. It wasn’t just Liloa, but Cesar too… His sneer I saw the other day is still so vivid. I denied it in the beginning, but looking back on it, it was definitely a laugh meant to mock me.’

Cesar may have considered Ed to be his rival, but Ed was confident that the one with the upper hand was himself.

‘Despite their romantic relationship, I always thought that I had a much more comprehensive understanding of Liloa than him. Like the fact that Cesar has no idea that Liloa suffers from nightmares…’

That made it even more difficult for Ed to grasp.

‘Cesar, who’s only waiting for Liloa’s retirement, and Liloa, who naturally believes in Cesar.’

Ed finally began to wonder if he had been looking at an illusion all along.

‘Perhaps it was Cesar who didn’t have to take his opponent seriously. Liloa’s feelings for him are that strong, and he knows it well. Of course, Liloa has to be aware of that too… In the end, it was only me who was stupid…’

He gritted his teeth in disgust at Lil’s choice. What seemed obvious to the both of them, came as a cruel surprise to Ed. He had been deceived for a while, not only by Lil’s transformation, the origin of his illusion, but also by the absolute belief that it might have meant something… When he began to suspect that everything was an illusion, he felt shame and self-hatred, as well as anger toward Lil…

Suddenly, all sorts of questions exploded in his head.

‘Why did she keep denying the artifact’s effect? And why does she make people feel guilty by accepting things so carelessly? How can she call this act faith, if it’s so easy for her to abandon? Why am I suffering like this?

Her doubts and beliefs are based on her own convenience. How arbitrary! From the moment we met, Liloa made it clear that her trust is unspeakably hard to give, so I lightened up the mood through jokes. But now that I think about it, it isn’t even funny anymore. Her trust felt as light as a feather when I received it, but having it taken away is one of the toughest feelings in the world…’

That’s when his inner turmoil stopped. When he thought about ‘taking it away’, the imagery in front of his eyes became so vivid. He was sure he could even hear the sound of dripping water. He started crying while laughing like the beautiful, pitiful, yet pathetic figure that he was.

‘Even after reaching such a low point, the only one who wanted love was…’

Ed glared at the ceiling with his hot, raging eyes.

‘I have only myself to blame for being in this position. Why the hell did I feel the need to drag myself through the mud? Normally, self-love means leaving some pride for yourself, but it’s all in vain now. Am I even certain that my feelings for Liloa aren’t love? In the end, I’m the only one who’s disappointed. I’m the helpless one. No matter how cruel she turns, I will still beg for a chance to be spoken to, even if she curses at me and even if I met her eyes full of contempt, I would still plead to be looked at…’

Shattered by a sense of helplessness, Ed ended up wishing for Lil to open the cabin door and appear without resentment or anger. It was hopeless to admit to misery and endure it, the childishness of wanting to hate Lil had long since fallen to its knees.

‘In the end, all of this nonsense was about wanting her to know how hurt I am. But what good would it do me if Liloa doesn’t come to see me?’

On that note, he had acted crazy haphazardly. He thought he was on to something, so he proceeded impulsively.

‘However, someone who’s misunderstood must be allowed to explain themselves before the other party gets angry. But now, I’m the one responsible for this misunderstanding, not Liloa…’

Ed’s resentment, anger, and shame came much faster than his regret. Regret only came after the rampage already happened, and annoyingly tickled his whole being. After suffering from remorse that was building up over time, he was desperate to be forgiven in the end. He wanted to be the first to say sorry, but the quicker he wanted to tell her, the more impatient Ed became. For him, their misunderstanding was nothing more than a waste of time. No matter the feelings he has for her and if they could be called affection or not, he was wasting time by feeling at a loss that his feelings weren’t reciprocated.

But no matter how long Ed waited, Lil didn’t come. The tightly closed door looked in that sense just like her heart. Ed rummaged through the ashes that his hope had been reduced to.

‘She told me to explain. Didn’t she want an explanation from me? At that moment, she couldn’t even point her gun directly at me… Even at that moment, she wanted to keep me alive.’

However, as time passed, only those who stood guard appeared alternately. The rope that tightened his wrists became tediously bitter…

Ed moistened his parched lips. Raising his head a little, he faced Alain who was leaning against the opposite wall. His fingertips were, of course, resting on the barrel of his gun. Despite his clear hostility, Alain never tried to come within a certain distance as though he had heeded some advice from his captain.

Ed’s dry tongue moved stiffly.

“…I need to speak to the Captain.”

Alain glanced at Ed and shook his head.

“Don’t even dream about it.”

“…”

As if Alain was dissatisfied with the sudden silence, he added with a more ferocious look.

“That man is in favour of fair trials, so if you start complaining about unfair treatment, chances are he would actually listen to you and even be swayed by it… No way in hell, I let that happen.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? Does a Navy like you not understand the situation?”

“…”

“Being a spy means that you’re not even compatible with animals, but you’re still acting so boldly. Well, then again you have to be that shameless when you need to be able to sell a person’s life at ease. You’re such a disgusting… The only reason I’m letting you live is due to the Captain’s orders. Don’t forget that.”

“Yeah right, the Captain’s orders. Because he thinks that ‘letting me live’ is the right thing to do, right? But in the meantime, you guys are pretending to be able to read the code, when the reality is that no one but me actually can.”

“Damn it! Stop talking if you don’t want me to forcefully shut your trap myself.”

Ed stared at the old man who had threatened him.

“If you bring the Captain, I’ll indeed start complaining about how unfair this all is, just like you said.”

“Wha… What… you shameless bastard!”

“Because it really is unfair, isn’t it?”

“…”

In response to Ed’s calm words, Alain could only stutter. His forehead and cheeks flushed red, and he averted Ed’s gaze. Conflicted eyes filled with guilt circled the tip of the gun. Ed decided to continue playing with Alain’s conscience.

“It’s strange, isn’t it? You guys are always talking about the code… But what if i’m really being wronged, what then? Also, the Bell Rock isn’t in any immediate danger. What is it that you’re all so concerned about?”

“Cut the crap…”

“The reason why you guys are making such a fuss is out of fear. But there’s nothing to be afraid of in the first place.”

“Shut up! You Navy bastard… I was right, plugging that hole in your mouth will be for the best…”

After approaching him with a growl, Alain put a gag in Ed’s mouth and left.

Jericho, who eventually came in after him, stared at Ed as if he were looking at a monster. Soon he didn’t even try to meet his eyes anymore and sobs and lamentations were the only sounds coming from him. It turned into an absurd situation when Jericho looked like he was about to cry. Not long after, Jericho left the cabin again, still wiping his nose and Ed expected that Alain would come back. But the guy who opened the door was Courant. Ed’s eyes widened as the boy set foot in the cabin…

Footnote:

Nicola’s Tears: Nicola was the Commodore under Ed before Sagastar. He was honourably discharged by the Emperor after basically going insane from working with Ed. Knowing that, it’s quite funny to know their code is called ‘Nicola’s tears’. We can easily guess how many tears the guy had shed because of it haha.