North x Northwest
Chapter 190

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“…”

“But you were brought here after more than four weeks on a ship. When the Visha arrived at Mondovi, it was already the 36th day since your injury. I can’t imagine how Edgar might have felt when being locked up on the Visha. But one thing is for sure, he couldn’t do anything. As all those things couldn’t be found in the fleet.”

Levi pointed over Lil’s shoulder. Without looking, Lil immediately knew what she was talking about. It were those bizarre-looking instruments that got her startled that night. Medical tools consisted of a thin glass tube that was tangled like a thread in all kinds of random ways resting on a wide wooden support with delicately crafted porcelain suspended for an unknown purpose. In addition to all that, was the equipment to the side at the size of a cembalo.

“Edgar was extremely impatient. After all, no one is more impoverished than a man who’s pressed for time. No, in this case, it’s safe to say that time had already passed. How exhausting must it have been to be constantly chasing it. Nerve-wracking as well, not knowing what was going to happen next… So, when he eventually came up with that prescription to administer to you, I thought he had finally lost his mind and started to talk nonsense.”

“…”

“Maltine is a drug no different from poison even when given to a healthy person, let alone it’s been given to a person in a coma. Hair loss and muscle stiffness are common side effects, among many others. Nonetheless, Edgar asserted that it was the only drug that would be successful and provided an example of someone who underwent a very aggressive therapy. However, even the doctor from that case estimated the success rate at only one out of ten. Edgar claimed that a valid analysis was performed, but I couldn’t believe it as I hadn’t witnessed the process.”

“…”

Levi sighed and wiped her forehead as though she were wiping sweat. She then pressed her temples and continued her words.

“I tried to stop him, and so did Linhardt. I objected as a doctor and Linhardt told Edgar not to play with people’s lives. That people weren’t test subjects, and that he shouldn’t act arrogant just because he knew how to cut and stitch your belly. But Edgar was adamant and responded by saying that you should be able to retain your higher thinking skills, that you still need to know how to put your thoughts into words. He convinced us that time was the most important thing and that it was crucial for you to wake up as soon as possible. I finally understood where he was coming from… You see, aphasia* is a typical aftereffect of a coma patient.”

“…”

The notebook slipped because Lil could no longer bear its weight. Lil glared at the booklet that had fallen from her hand and was pressed down heavily on her lap.

“I can’t remember everything because we were screaming and talking nonsense at each other at the time. But the gist of it was that you should be able to think and read until the day you die. Edgar stated that this wasn’t coming from him, but that he was sure that this was what you would’ve wanted the most, and for that, you would be able to endure it well. He then sat next to you, who was unconscious, and explained in great detail that you should stay strong because he would be administering medicine to you and treating you in this manner. Back then, I felt like I was seeing the birth of a real madman…”

“…”

Lil’s eyelids trembled no matter how hard she fought against it. Her fever seemed to be rising again. Lil clenched her fists to stifle her body’s heat.

‘This must be because I’m not fully well yet.’

“Finally, I ended up administering the Maltine, and this is the result.”

Levi’s finger pointed to Lil’s knee.

“This journal that you just ‘read*’, you understand the meaning behind it and can tell it’s filled with melancholy, right?”

“…”

“It means Edgar really succeeded.”

“…”

Lil’s hands and feet, which she may not have been able to move again had the outcome been different, trembled uneasily while her head, which she might’ve never used again, threw itself into the past.

‘What if I lost my ability to read? I can’t even imagine not being able to read this book…’

Her fingertips trembled at the belated shock. Lil thought back to the moment when she had no choice but to accept Sagastar’s dagger. Suddenly, she clearly remembered the sound of the blade penetrating her body and the pain that came with it. Followed by the sensation of death, the piercing of her flesh, the tearing of her intestines and the dislocating of her bones…

The doctor’s pale hand rested on Lil’s trembling hand. Lil was ashamed to be caught like this, but she had nowhere to escape to. With Levi above her and the journal below, she was stuck.

“So that’s how I came to think that way, that you guys must be together… Edgar never said who you were, but how could I think otherwise? He cared so much about you. No, that might even be an understatement… Perhaps I only thought I knew. But, why else would he want you to retain the ability to read books, think, and speak?”

“…”

Startled, Lil raised her head like someone caught off guard. When their eyes met, Levi smiled softly. The expression on Levi’s face told Lil that she knew.

“Actually, I came by early at dawn to change the anaesthetic incense, that’s how I came to overhear your conversation when standing outside. When you said you’d rather die, I had no choice but to interrupt out of the fear that Edgar would lose his sanity. I’m telling you this in secret, but I truly thought that Edgar would become so vulnerable in that situation… However, later in the morning, when I mulled it over, I realised that I never heard your side of the story. Edgar did a lot of strange things, so I was worried that he might’ve done something without your consent. That’s why I asked.”

“…”

Levi rose from her seat and gently patted Lil on the back.

“But that’s enough for now. You don’t have to answer.”

“…”

Levi then gave Lil a handkerchief. Lil instantly felt the need to hold on to something, so she squeezed the little piece of cloth tightly.

“The treatment isn’t finished yet… but I’ll step out to give you some space. Call for me again later.”

When Levi walked away from her seat, sunrays shot straight down on Lil. Her eyelids flinched at the sudden bright light and droplets of water shortly carried by the wind dripped onto the back of her hand. Lil lifted the handkerchief to wipe away the puddle filled with sunlight that had formed in her eyes.

‘From the moment I awoke, I failed to recognise the possibility that I could’ve stayed unconscious indefinitely. I literally died and came back to life…’

Lil slowly wiped the back of her hand and experienced the sensation of feeling the handkerchief. The sense that had been blocked for nearly two months was strangely vivid.

‘I’ve had several near-death experiences, but this is different… I’ve dodged a lot of swords and daggers in order to stay alive as I always had this premonition that the moment I would get stabbed, it would be over for me. That’s why I never had the guts to expose my bare body beneath the blade like that. Besides, I never imagined that, when I eventually accepted the fact that I would die, I could actually survive, but at the cost of ending up losing most of my physical and mental functions… Losing the ability to think is truly beyond comprehension, but for now, I can only feel relieved that that loss is only part of my imagination.’

Lil swept through her unkempt hair. Tresses of hair filled her bony hand.

She had thought that her weakened state was caused by her inability to eat properly over an extended period of time, but now she understood that it was all due to the drug.

‘Was it the poison that made my entire body ache with a feeling of tearing apart when I woke up? Was that poison really what saved my life?’

Lil looked back at that moment.

‘Ed had appeared dangerous in the eyes of my freshly awakened mind, especially when he threatened me with his harsh remarks. As a result, I, how foolish as it may be, couldn’t bring myself to ask anything about him or what he’d done to me. To me, Ed was enraged and nothing more than an unknown admiral with a slew of horror stories. I was afraid of what a man, who can’t relate or sympathise with others, would do to me… But today, Levi shared something completely different…’

It made Lil ponder over what Ed had told Levi.

{ “…that you should be able to think and read until the day you die…” }

‘It’s unexpected, but nothing more than an old trick I’ve been through before. He’s trying to make me feel understood, acting like he’s my salvation, only to bind me to him in the end.’

Lil was annoyed by the fact that she was starting to get emotional.

‘This time as well… I know that I’m only going to deceive myself the moment I allow my vulnerabilities to be soothed…’

Footnote:

Aphasia: a disorder that affects how you communicate. It can impact your speech, as well as the way you write and understand both spoken and written language.

“This journal that you could just ‘read’, you understand the meaning behind it and can tell it’s filled with melancholy, right?”

“…”

“It means that Edgar really succeeded.”

= What Levi is trying to say is that Lil is actually able to read the journal herself, meaning she still has the ability to read and that Ed’s treatment worked.

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