RE: Monarch
Chapter 105: Sanctum XXX

Hi. It’s been a while. Short version, I was nearly homeless for a bit, and managed to grab a place in a different state. Everything has settled now. Monarch has a publishing deal in the works, and I’m committed to the story, so we’ll be pushing hard to get back to a consistent output. Here’s a quick recap on prior events to bring you up to speed:

Last we left them, Cairn, Jorra, and Bell had entered the sanctum—a place of infernal study and learning. Their goal—to locate and learn from a master of demon-fire—was quickly derailed when a long unseen enemy finally sprung her trap. Thoth trapped the entrance and publicly decried Cairn, offering to reopen the exit only after someone brought her his head. Cairn managed to locate Thoth during this display and, after a brief altercation that nearly cost him everything, drew a single drop of blood. Cairn gave this pinprick of essence was to Vogrin to track Thoth, having identified the scenario she created as a ruse to distract Cairn and the Infernals alike from whatever the villains goals were deep within the sanctum. Rejoined by Maya, the four set off to follow Thoth into the dark recesses of the Sanctum. Almost immediately, they were pursued by another figure: The Cowled mage from Cairn’s first life.

After several close calls and narrow escapes, Cairn nearly lost Maya in a series of short resets brought about by the Black Beast. The Black Beast was displeased with Cairn’s use of suicide to attempt to revive his friend, claiming great power should not be squandered on such petty goals. Though Cairn was able to save Maya in the end, it was a close call, and the variables were nigh unrepeatable. Cairn had no doubts that if he died any time in the immediate future he would be pulled back into that unwinnable loop, which meant one critical thing: Whatever happened, he could not allow himself to die.

Cairn met with Morthus, who revealed troubling information about the nature of the time-loop and Thoth. Morthus also revealed that the corrupted creatures were part of the event the Metamorphosis group were attempting to stop: corrupted leylines that led to an inevitable apocalypse. He was not able to say what Cairn was, only that he was not a part of the original plan and was likely something new. From what he said, Cairn was able to guess that whatever Thoth was after, it involved the prime leyline set deep in the sanctum. Morthus also warned Cairn that though Cairn’s soul was stabilized, he seemed to be suppressing a memory that took place during the final loop of the enclave. Overwhelmed with everything else, Cairn elected to put that aside for the the time being.

Morthus then helped the group realize the reason the enemy was able to pursue them so doggedly was that they were likely being scried on using augury. With a display mixing theater and true conflict with his companions, Cairn was able to set a trap for the Cowled mage, though his words and actions wounded his relationship with those around him. After the battle, during an attempt to salvage the group, Cairn finally asked Maya what Ni’lend meant…

Maya looked surprised. “You don’t know?”

I shook my head. “I’ve heard Nethtari call you that. From context, it seems to mean something approaching family. In all my reading of the infernal texts, it’s never come up.”

“But you have not really searched for it, either. Never asked anyone.”

“No. I’ve not exactly had time to ponder it. But it’s always been there, in the back of my mind. And when my curiosity peaks, I’ve hesitated to look into it further.”

“Do you know why?” Maya peered at me. A strand of dark blue hair creased her brow and she pushed it back behind her ear.

“You saw much when you looked into my mind. But you didn’t see everything. My history and childhood. My Mother was the closest to real family I’ve ever had.”

“Was?” Maya probed.

“Is.” I corrected myself. “She… died, in my first life. A blood sickness. In the end, the physicians couldn’t heal her.” I paused then, waiting for the glaze of unseeing to wash over her, banishing my words to the ether. But it didn’t happen. Maya studied me with the same rapt attention. For reasons that were beyond me, as far as Maya was concerned, the curse was broken.

“And the magicians could do nothing?”

I shook my head. “Not our magicians. As far as I know, a human has never awakened to life magic. If they had, my father would assuredly have found them.”

Maya considered that. “The infernals are similar, to a lesser extent. It was surprising to a fellow life elemental in the sanctum. I am used to being a rarity amongst my kind. I assume the king turned to the elves?”

“Yes. He was forced to turn to the elves, and the elves rejected him in turn. Not that I can blame them, really, considering what he’d been doing in the years prior.”

“I see.” Her voice was quiet. “And you hoped that I would heal her.”

“I thought you saw all that, in my mind.”

“Not exactly. I was privy to some of your thoughts, but you have to remember the sheer amount of information I was absorbing. All the recurring events, your trauma, your despair. It was... difficult to parse.”

“I imagine it was.” I ran my hand across the stone ground, feeling the grit beneath my fingers. “It... factored. Your ability to heal. But I’m not confident whether it would have pushed me one way or another. I had the demon-fire. Logically, heading to the enclave, attempting to reopen the dimensional gate, adding in the fact that I knew you and to some extent, you knew me, I’m not sure that I would have started anywhere else.

Maya laughed suddenly, the sound ringing out over the shelled out mountain.

“What?” I asked.

“It explains so much.” She wiped a mirthful tear away. “You were so damn considerate, after we left the Everwood. Almost grand. As angry as I was that you hid who you were, I remember being completely shocked when you stood up to your rangers. A prince, willing to fight his own men, for the sake of an infernal he had known for only a matter of days. And then you continued, offering me increasingly absurd gifts.” Maya’s mouth quirked. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but your kind has a certain reputation for being indiscernibly lecherous. Factoring in other comments you made in jest and...”

I chuckled. “You thought I was trying to seduce you.”

“Yes.”

“I haven’t been hiding this from you. My mother’s illness. It was always something I meant to talk about. In fact, I nearly did, in the early days at the enclave. After my trial.”

“What stopped you?” Maya leaned in a bit, clearly curious. “You know I would have said yes. Happily. You had already done so much for me that it was almost obligatory.”

“Because I realized what I really wanted from you was not so simple. And given your feelings, inherently selfish.” I realized I’d misspoken when her eyebrow shot up.

“My feelings—“

“—Can we put that aside, just for a moment? We will return to it. Gods know I’ve made you wait long enough.”

Her tail wrapped around her wrist. “Very well. What was it you wanted from me?”

“First, tell me what Ni’lend means.”

“It can mean many things, depending on the context,” Maya cocked her head, trying to come up with an apt description. “But at its core, it means one who is like me, or of me. Kindred.”

Something in the back of my mind nagged at me until I placed it. “You called me that early. Within the first few cycles of the Everwood.”

Maya shrugged in admission. “It was not uncommon for me to call the children that. In their case, it was a reminder. That I had taken their safety and well-being onto myself, and we were all in the same boat. You were… different, however. I cannot speak for my prior selves, only for the me I remember. You were so set apart from anyone I had met. I could see you were heavy with burden, as I was, but you were so full of light, of hope. You reminded me of who I used to be. We grew closer, and eventually, it just slipped out. At first, I was embarrassed, but you did not understand its significance. So, I did not stop.” Her expression shifted from contemplation to firmness. “Now tell me what it is you wanted from me?”

“Words are difficult,” I mused. “Ally seems so informal. Partner sounds businesslike. Companion… has other connotations. And friend, after everything we’ve been through, doesn’t say nearly enough.”

“You are stalling.”

I breathed out raggedly. “Fine. No matter where this goes, or how this ends, I realized I wanted you at my side. Always.”

Maya stilled. “That could very easily be misinterpreted.”

“I know, just give me a second. At first, I thought it was transference. We’d been through a series of consecutive traumatic events and you were, largely, the only one I could rely on. Of course I’d feel strongly for you. Maybe even be dependent on you. How many times had you brought me back from the brink at that point? You’d saved my life, given me a handhold within the enclave, and defying all understanding your family treated me like their own. And with everything that happened...”

“You did not know how to ask, or if you even should.”

“And you were due to leave for the sanctum soon. Distance grants clarity, so in my mind, it made sense to wait.”

“And what changed, after I left?”

I smiled wistfully. “Did you see it? The moment in my mind where everything shifted.”

Maya thought about it, her mouth tight. Then her face shifted in understanding. “You were looking into the great crevasse, and you were thinking about me.”

“It had been months. Maybe years at that point, it’s hard to keep track with... everything. But the way that I felt never changed. If anything, you were my touchstone, when every step forward seemed insurmountable. It was the possibility of seeing you again that stayed with me.”

Maya stood and began to pace, her face troubled.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’m not sure I want to hear this.”

I tilted my head, noticing the contraction. “I can stop.”

She rounded on me, her eyes furious. “Don’t you dare. We have been dancing around this topic for a damned age and I have been lost in my own head, wondering how you felt, wondering if what I felt was even sane or rational, if I was just some stupid girl with her head in the clouds...” Maya’s hands clamped into fists and then opened, then closed again. “And then I saw you. Really saw you, as I tried to keep your soul from crumbling like sand. I felt what you felt. I sat by, helpless, as the demons tortured you, felt your pain, your hopelessness. Saw the darkness that nearly consumed you. Watched you struggle with it, before rejecting it entirely. But what confused me most...” Her eyes swam with moisture, and she blinked it away. “Was how all that pain, that agony, was dwarfed when the anti-venom failed, and I died in your arms.

My chest tightened.

“It overflowed from you like a black fountain.” Maya continued. “You’ve always seemed so rational before. Collected in the face of calamity. I have seen you face death, and loss, and darkness, and come away unscathed. And I was left to ponder what that meant, that the death of some infernal commoner scarred you so deeply.”

The words couldn’t be suppressed anymore. “It’s because I love you.”

“And then the things you said while we were being spied on.” Her face flashed in anger. “They were true. They were overblown and played up for the watcher yes, but you used that opportunity to vent very real things that were perhaps valid, but that does not change the fact that they hurt and...” Her pacing stopped, and she stood ramrod still.

Slowly, as if she’d been struck, she turned around to face me. “What?”

“I was frustrated. Because as much as you may not want to believe me, the memory I held back will only hurt you—“

“No. Stop. Stop.” Maya held both hands palms out. “Set that aside for a moment. I need you to repeat what you said.”

“That I was frustrated?” I asked.

“No, before that!” Her jaw worked furiously.

I felt sheepish, and awkward. Heat built on my face. I’d said it the first time out of instinct. It had been torn from me. The thought of repeating it felt so much harder.

“I am afraid.”

“That’s not what you said.”

“Just give me a second.”

“It has been several!”

“I’m afraid because I don’t know what it means!” Months and months of confusion and indecision ripped out of me. “Because the last time I felt this way, it was all wonderful and beautiful and real until it was taken from me. And when it was taken, I threw away my crown, and my life, and the responsibilities of an entire kingdom just to spurn the ones who stole her from me. Nothing mattered but her.”

“Lillian.” Maya said, her face pale. “So that is why you have been talking in circles, and so infuriatingly circumspect? Intentionally misinterpreted my feelings? Because you fear distraction?” There was a touch of scorn in her voice.

“You are not a distraction.” I walked over to where she stood, frozen. Now closer, I noticed she was trembling. “But just as how I am no longer who I was, the responsibilities on my shoulders have grown insurmountably larger. Which is why—dammit, even telling you this is selfish.” My will crumpled and I half-turned. Something snaked out and grabbed my arm. We both looked down to see Maya’s tail, wrapped tightly around my arm. She muttered an apology, then reached out to take my hand.

“After everything you have done. Everything you’ve sacrificed. You’ve earned a little selfishness. So tell me.”

“I need to see Lillian again.”

Maya started to pull away, and I pulled her back.

“Not like that. It’s just… that her disappearance, her death? It haunts me. For reasons, I cannot entirely explain. We were never going to work. Not even in that world, where my responsibilities were so much less than they are now. Logically, it shouldn’t matter. But I need closure.”

“And what does that look like?” Maya asked.

“I’ll walk into their shop. Gunther—her father, will shout from the back, to give them a moment. Lillian will come to the front. She’ll ask what I’m looking for, and I’ll ask for an arrowroot ointment. We’ll chat about the applications, and she’ll smile in the way she always did. I’ll tell her the store is too beautiful for topside. Then she’ll scowl, and make a comment about how they’ve been looking to move into the nicer districts, but the overhead is too much. I’ll reply that, actually, I know someone in violet square who’s looking to sell, quickly and discretely. I’ll put her in touch with the seller, who I have already settled up with, and that will be the end of it.”

“As simple as that?” Maya asked, doubtfully.

“Yes… but my selfishness doesn’t end there.” I looked deeply into her eyes. She wouldn’t like the rest of what I needed to say, but honesty was critical here.

“I don’t know what I feel. What it can or cannot be. But whatever it is… it doesn’t change the fact that I cannot marry for love.”

Maya recoiled as if slapped.

I pressed on. “Dismissing the idea of a political marriage is a mistake I cannot afford to make again. It ruined me when the stakes were not nearly this high. Considering how little time we have, I can’t imagine a scenario where that won’t come into being.”

“Who said anything about marrying you?” Maya laughed, but her voice strained.

“You deserve better than a partial truth.” I looked down. “But maybe you’ll understand now why I’ve hesitated. We are too young. And I cannot be who I was. I have a prior engagement to resolve, and any relationship we might have—were it to work out that way—would come second to my responsibilities to the kingdom.”

“Holy shit!” Jorra yelled from across the cave, holding up an artifact from the satchel, “Cairn, you have to see this—“

We watched, bemused, as Bell appeared out of nowhere and dragged him away with a flurry of furious whispers.

“We had a spectator,” Maya observed dryly.

“So it would seem.” I shook my head.

“Now then. I have been quite generous with your allotted seconds.” Maya said.

“What?”

“Time is up. Repeat what you said.” Maya tugged on my arm playfully.

I sighed. “I love you, Ni’lend.”

There was a long pause. We stared at each other, both completely serious, until a smile broke out on Maya’s face.

“Lord below, was that so hard?” Maya asked, even as she blushed a deeper shade of violet.

“I can’t promise anything. And I don’t know what the future holds. But I hope that you’ll be there, with me, until the end.”

Maya embraced me, and I held her back, my throat tight. Some part of me regretted this. I’d come too close to losing her, and because of that, I’d been unable to stay the most responsible course of keeping my emotions to myself.

She pushed me back, staring up at me. “I will need to think on your words. You have been truthful with me, and I wish to be truthful in return. So, I will need to consider, carefully, if I can accept the rather difficult parameters you have set before me.”

“Of course.”

“But this is my vow, no matter what the future holds. I will lift you up when you fall, breathe life into you when death comes calling. I will rise with you, fall with you, grieve with you, grow with you. This is my vow. Until the emerald sea dulls gray, and the demons rise at the dawning of the long dark, I will stand at your side.” She gazed up at me, eyes pearlescent in the shadow and flickering light.

The time for words had passed. So instead, I pulled her into an embrace, enjoying the moment of peace before we inevitably returned to the storm.