Tales From the Terran Republic
Chapter 4: Crime never pays... Unless it does

The day of the escape:

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as their shiny new class twelve medium cargo vessel entered hyperspace. The "Federation female" handed Sheila and Jacob (the former lieutenant) cups of coffee.

"Thanks, Gloria," Sheila said as she took a sip.

"You look like hell, ma'am."

"Heh, you should see the other guy… guys actually," Sheila grinned. "You guys have balls of steel, by the way."

"No man left behind. We weren't going to leave you to the Feds. Besides, it was a golden opportunity," Gloria said as she gestured around. "I figured this could be worth a few credits. Sticking it to the Feds at the same time was a nice plus."

"Still, this was some crazy shit. There is no way I would have authorized this."

"Too fucking bad you weren't around to stop us."

Sheila looked around quizzically. "Where is the sergeant?" she asked.

Gloria took in a deep breath.

"Lieutenant Samuels… Where is sergeant Roberts?" Sheila asked with a slight edge in her voice.

"Um..."

Sheila narrowed her eyes at Gloria.

"Um… What?" she asked.

"Um… He stayed behind."

“WHAT ?!?!?” Sheila jumped up and grabbed Gloria. "What. The. Fuck?"

"Well, you know that pad that the Councilor signed? It was a doppelganger."

Sheila's eyes widened. She didn't even know they had a doppelganger. When did they get a doppelganger?

"What did you get?" she asked.

"Everything," Gloria replied with a predatory gleam in her eyes, "Full biometric data, signature, decrypted password, diplomatic credentials... We got it all."

Sheila slowly shook her head and laughed.

"So he's going shopping?"

Gloria grinned wickedly.

"You could say that..."

"I know that look," Sheila said as she narrowed her eyes and curled her lips into a predatory grin. "What exact sort of fucking are we talking about?"

"Hard… Without lube."

Sheila sat back down, leaned back, and said with a wolfish smile, "Okay, tell me what you goddamn pirates are up to."

***

"I am certain that we can assist you, Councilor. It is the least we can do in exchange for facilitating that prisoner transfer." Roberts said as he and K-shal-ta walked down a corridor. K-shal-ta was ecstatic. He finally had a way to get Jon.

"Oh, think nothing of it. I am always happy to help the Federation. It is my duty, after all." K-shal-ta said eagerly.

"Of course, Councilor, I need not tell you that what we are doing is highly illegal, and your utmost secrecy is required. Should what I am doing be discovered, it would be the end of my career, and I will most likely wind up in prison."

"Don't worry, agent, this is not without risk for myself as well. My secrecy is assured."

Roberts looked directly into Councilor K-shal-ta's beady muppet-like eyes.

"If only we had more true patriots like you. I truly admire your courage," he said, his voice full of admiration and respect.

"Do you think you will replace anything?"

"Absolutely. We have had our eyes on Jon Wintersmith for quite some time," Roberts replied smoothly, "Unfortunately, he has successfully hidden his activities behind the doors of the Terran Embassy. If half of what we suspect is true, not only will it be a diplomatic incident of epic proportions, there will be evidence of crimes that will not be covered by his diplomatic status. He will be arrested and go to a Federation prison for the rest of his life."

"I knew it! I knew that… asshole… wasn't a real ambassador!"

Roberts smiled and reminded himself to give B-reen-sho, an employee of K-shal-ta, a nice bonus. The information that he absolutely hated Ambassador Wintersmith was invaluable. Just the mention of his name had K-shal-ta eating out of the palms of their hands. He had always thought that all of the money Sheila threw around was a waste, but this one instance proved that every credit was well spent. Of course, K-shal-ta being such an ass didn't hurt. B-reen-sho would probably have betrayed him for free.

"Do you think you could have him taken to this… 'Nigerian Detention Facility'?"

"Councilor, I will personally assure it."

Roberts and K-shal-ta arrived at a door marked with red Federation security markings.

"Councilor, it would be best if we had privacy for our endeavor… If you understand my meaning," Roberts said calmly.

"Don't worry, agent, I will take care of it."

K-shal-ta barged into the room, startling two clerks.

"Get out."

"Councilor?" one of the clerks asked in confusion.

"I said GET OUT! We need this room for Federation business!"

"But..."

"Do you need a new translator? I SAID GET OUT NOW!"

The two clerks scurried away. K-shal-ta turned to Roberts with a smile.

"Sometimes you just have to be direct," he said smugly as his pecker-crest inflated.

"I admire your efficiency, Councilor," Roberts said in an even professional tone. "From the secure terminals in this room, I will be able to directly access the Federation secure quantum network and attempt to hack into the Terran Embassy."

Roberts looked around in an overly cautious manner.

"Councilor," he said quietly, "I hate to ask you to do such a mundane task, but could you keep watch? As you are aware, breaching an embassy's security is a major violation of both the current treaty and accepted diplomatic practice."

"Oh, of course!" K-shal-ta said in an eager voice. "Oh, this is exciting!"

"Yes, just stand around that corner and let me know if you see anyone."

Once the Councilor was out of the way, Roberts wasted little time. He plugged his tablet into the data port of the secure terminal and went to work. The secure terminal and K-shal-ta's security clearance and diplomatic credentials made getting into base security effortless. He then promptly erased all records concerning Sheila's arrest. The next order of business was to order all seized weapons and drugs vaporized with top priority citing "safety concerns". Now that their tracks were covered and there was no way to trace the weapons, it was time for some fun.

***

Kreelna was having a spirited debate with her co-workers concerning the Federation holo-games when her monitor pinged. She turned to look, and her stomachs knotted. It was K-shal-ta's face.

She really didn't like him.

"(sigh) Federation Intelligence. How may I help you, Councilor?"

"Hello," K-shal-ta said with a pleasant smile. "I just need access. I'm having problems with the Terrans again, and I need some up-to-date information and other things. Best to put out a fire before it starts and all that."

"Um… Okay, Councilor. I have to check your credentials." Kreelna braced herself for the usual loud objections about it being a waste of time.

"Sure!" The Councilor said with the same cheerful lopsided smile.

"Um… Okay... Everything looks good. You now have full access."

"Thanks for your help! I really appreciate it!"

"Um… Okay." Kreelna cleared access for the session and hung up. She looked at the monitor in confusion.

"What's up, Kreelna?" Her supervisor asked.

"Oh, nothing. I just talked to K-shal-ta."

"That rectum? What the hell did he want?"

"He just wanted access, but the weird thing was that he was professional… nice even… he smiled and everything."

"Weird. Maybe he was on something?" The supervisor laughed. "It is strange, though."

They both shrugged and rejoined the debate.

***

Robert smiled as the monitor switched off, cracked his knuckles, and went to work.

"Federation agents, human, all, full records, download." he typed and hit enter. That took only two minutes. He was surprised. He heard that these main quantum terminals were fast, but this was fast. He smiled. The primary mission was complete, and he had plenty of time.

He started downloading everything he could. He began with anything associated with the word "Terran", "Terra", or Earth. He filled up the first data crystal, and as he was switching it out with a new one, he saw K-shal-ta peeking around the corner.

"How is it going?" K-shal-ta asked.

"Reasonably well. Their security is more difficult than I expected, but we have the best algorithms there are. It will break soon."

"Great… great… it's just that it's starting to take a little while and..."

Roberts smiled reassuringly at the Councilor.

"These things can sometimes take a few minutes," Roberts said as he casually pressed "Resume Download."

"Okay…" K-shal-ta said as he returned to his conveniently assigned watch.

The download was completed, and there was still plenty of time. Roberts raided the archives and downloaded all closed-door sessions of the council. He then grabbed everything concerning the Z'uush. Once that was done, he grabbed everything he could, filling up data crystal after data crystal. Wishing he had brought more crystals, he closed the session.

"Councilor! I got him!" Roberts shouted.

"You did?!"

"Yes. I have a lot of data. But, unfortunately, it is heavily encrypted, and I will have to take it back with me for our supercomputers to handle." Roberts said with a smooth smile. "I thank you. This will not only strike a blow against the Republic but have a definite effect on my career… perhaps yours as well, Councilor."

"I am not interested in such things," The Councilor said, his peckers fully upright, "The good of the Federation is what is important."

"You are an inspiration to us all, Councilor. I apologize, but I must depart immediately."

"I understand, agent. Good travels."

"I hate to impose… but I was just informed that the heavy fighter we were using failed the turnaround check and will spend at least twenty-four hours in maintenance. Could you authorize a light fast craft?"

"Oh, absolutely, agent. I would be happy to. It's the least I could do."

"I really appreciate it, Councilor. I have already selected a suitable vessel. Just sign here…."

***

The next day:

"Ambassador, Helen Mongrave is here and wishes to speak with you."

Jon stopped spinning happily in his office chair.

"Daaaammmn, Toby, when I said get me in touch with intelligence, I meant to get them on the phone, not run out and grab one," he giggled.

The doors of his office opened, and Helen walked in. She looked down at the "cookie tin" lying open on Jon's desk.

"Ambassador, exactly how many of grandma's brownies have you had?" she asked as she reached in and got one.

"Just one. I'm high on life, baby!"

He spun again.

"That bitch! That glorious, magnificent bitch! She just steals a fucking class twelve and flies away! She did it right under their noses!" Jon threw his head back and laughed. "Woo!"

"She did it right under your nose, too, you know."

"Pssh… Minor detail. Insignificant in the grand scheme of things."

"Well, that minor detail is why I am here."

Jon stopped laughing and spinning.

"Oh?" He asked with a surprisingly sober voice. "What's up?"

"As far as we know," Helen said as she finished off her brownie, "Sheila Donovan has been captured and is being held at an undisclosed location in Federation space. She is not at large. She, for all intents and purposes, does not exist."

"What did she do?" Jon asked.

"Whatever she may or may not have done and whatever she may or may not have given us, or more precisely sold to us for a truly stupid amount of money is none of your concern."

"C'mon Helen, let me in on it."

Helen looked around cautiously.

"Okay, but you can't breathe a word of this..."

Toby was filling out his daily report when he was interrupted by loud maniacal laughter coming from the ambassador's office.

"Well, somebody just got fucked." he said to himself before returning to his tasks.