Tales From the Terran Republic
Chapter The Great Ocean

Jaxona shifted nervously in her globe. Jon was supposed to be here already. Her bot was hidden in the shadows under a pedestrian bridge leading to a small park near the starport. The park, lovely during the day, wasn’t especially the best place to be after dark. This whole neighborhood wasn’t.

She suddenly thrashed in shock at the realization that she had a thirteen millimeter Terran revolver in her second cargo compartment.

When did she get a weapon and why was it Terran?

Her eyes widened as detailed images of exactly what that monster could do especially when firing the military grade projectiles that were currently loaded flashed across her mind.

When did she get it… and where? How long had she been carrying it? No, she didn’t always carry one!

She twitched as she wondered what else she had done without realizing it.

She swam around unhappily. She was supposed to be just an adventuring student and disappointment to her parents. She should be at home, asleep, or at the diner pretending to cram for an exam that really wasn’t that hard when she really just wanted to hang out with her fun xeno friends.

She should not be lurking under a bridge in the dead of night with what was basically an anti-tank pistol (that she suddenly knew exactly how to use) hidden inside her bot.

This wasn’t fun anymore and her “gut” was telling her that it was about to get a lot less fun. Jon wouldn’t be doing this just to say hi. To borrow a Terran phrase, shit was about to get real.

Jaxona sighed and wiggled to loosen her tightening muscles. Worry about that later. Gotta get my game face on. She relaxed and her senses sharpened. She was aware of everything going on around her, the two humans making a drug deal, the pair of male Sarong slipping into the shadows for a career and quite possibly life threatening assignation (Why do some cultures have to be so repressive?), the car dropping off a tattered looking Fglin (probably a whore)… wait… that Fglin looks miserable, possibly injured, Trafficked?… It wasn't her concern.

No, this is my concern. I decide what is a concern or not.

Jaxona moved to a better position and recorded the poor creature as another vehicle pulled up. The being flinched and then got inside. Jaxona smiled. She got some good shots of the vehicle and got a ping off of its transponder. Spy gear is so cool!

Once she dealt with whatever plate of poo that Jon was serving up she was definitely going to be looking into that poor little Fglin. No. It is her problem. She can do what she wants. She didn’t care if “shit like that happens all the time”. She wasn’t a jaded soul-dead old eel and wasn’t inclined to let some poor soul suffer when she could do something about it.

In fact, she decided that she just might start taking these little midnight strolls more often.

A shadow moved inside the other shadows. She cocked her head in surprise. She had no idea Jon was such a sneaky bastard. Oh she knew he was “sneaky”, just not stealthy. She watched him for a few moments as he searched the park from his vantage point and scoffed. He was using a visor of some sort, the cheater.

She watched as Jon pulled out a communicator and contacted her. Jaxona, not wanting to let him know she could spot him, stepped out into the open and pretended to look about.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Jon said as he approached.

“Yeah,” Jaxona laughed, “Somebody pulled me out of my nice pool in the middle of the night. You’re late by the way.”

“I was followed, I had to lose them,” Jon replied.

Jaxona suddenly noticed flecks of a dark liquid on his shirt.

“Is that… blood?” she asked in alarm.

“Yeah, when I said ‘lose’ I meant ‘kill’. I’m done playing nice.”

“Eep!”

“That’s what he said,” he chuckled flexing the fingers of his bionic arm. “Turns out they aren’t as invincible as they think they are.”

“… … Oh!… Right!… Do you, um, need us to clean it up?” Jaxona asked.

“There’s a dead body, one of Patricia’s ‘immortals’, in a dark alley near 157th and Starlane Drive. If it could disappear that would be great.”

“Now how do I do that?” Jaxona asked looking off into the distance for a second. “Ok! Hang on!” she exclaimed.

She contacted Federation Intelligence HQ and called for a cleanup crew.

***

[emailprotected]@ was awakened by his communicator and was instantly alert. KaRe’~VxK%Lora, curled up next to him in a nest of cushions, made an unhappy noise as he got up.

Wrapping a robe around himself he walked into the next room.

“No, you were right to wake me… I did leave orders to contact me immediately concerning anything related to the Kalent Forum Liaison… She WHAT?!?! When?… No. Do it. Send the crew immediately. I authorize it, top priority. Let the duty officer know I’m on my way. I will be there shortly.”

[emailprotected]@ terminated the call and returned to the bedchamber to get dressed.

KaRe’~VxK%Lora looked up at him as she turned on a lamp sitting on the floor next to their nest.

“Sorry, KaRe’”, [emailprotected]@ said as he shrugged into a shoulder holster. “Something’s come up.”

“It’s ok, darling,” she replied with a smile. “Actually, this happens a lot less often than I thought it would.”

“Seniority has it’s perks,” [emailprotected]@ chuckled. “There aren’t too many people left who can wake me without fear… Including the twerp who just did. I’m going to chew someone’s ears off, their fins actually, but you get the idea.”

“That, Kalent Forum person?”

“Yeah, can’t go into details but the coffee bot is about to meet unhappy me,” he growled as he put on his jacket. “Only you can anger me without consequence,” he smiled.

KaRe’~VxK%Lora threw a pillow at him as she laughed.

“Good hunting, my love,” she smiled.

“Thanks. I just wonder what is my prey is tonight,” he replied as he left.

As soon as he walked away his smile quickly faded replaced by a snarl. He grabbed his communicator angrily.

“Jaxona, what the fuck is going on?… What do you mean you can’t tell me?!?!?… Don’t you fucking move. I will be there in-… What do you mean I can’t come? You can’t fucking tell me-… YOU’RE PULLING RANK?!?!? YOU DON’T-… Wait… Repeat exactly what you just said word for fucking word… Ok, coffee-bot, I’m holding position but when you get done with whatever it is you are doing I am going to want some fucking answers, ma’am.”

[emailprotected]@ looked at his communicator in complete bewilderment for a few moments before shrugging and walking into the night.

***

“Sorry about that,” Jaxona said sheepishly. “The boss was about to storm his fluffy butt down here and I had to talk him down.”

“Didn’t take him long,” Jon smiled.

“Yeah,” Jaxona replied. “I guess he had a flag put on my tail.”

“I wonder why,” Jon chuckled. “Ok, so I need to talk to you but first I need to know exactly who or what I am talking to. I bet you know what I am talking about.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t...” she trailed off looking very odd. She sat silently for a few moments and then sighed a long bubbly sigh. “Alright. I guess I have no choice do I?”

“Nope,” Jon replied. “If we are going to work together, which is absolutely necessary, I am going to need to know what the fuck I am dealing with.”

“And you wouldn’t be here if there was any other option… any other option,” Jaxona said quietly. “Look, I only want to break about a hundred different fishy laws once. Do you mind if another person joins us? You need to be talking to them anyway.”

“… Alright,” Jon replied. “But if you’re fucking with me I will fucking-”

“Yeah, yeah, stow it, cockbite,” Jaxona replied her eyes wide with surprise. “Sorry! I didn’t mean that! I-”

“Whatever, bitch,” Jon said with a little smile, “Let’s go.”

***

[emailprotected]@ sipped a cup of coffee while seated at a table in a back room of a starport diner that was one of the former director’s favorites.

He didn’t even know it had a back room. Maybe this was why it was one of her favorites. He smiled as a waitress brought in everyone’s orders and a large insulated pot of coffee.

A few minutes later another door opened and Jaxona and Jon Wintersmith walked in. [emailprotected]@ raised an eyebrow as he rose and shook Jon’s hand. Of all the people that could have entered the room with the “coffee bot” he was perhaps the least expected.

“[emailprotected]@, Federation Intelligence,” he said introducing himself.

“Jon Wintersmith, Terran Ambassador.”

Everyone took their seats and looked at Jaxona.

“Well?” [emailprotected]@ asked.

“Ok,” Jaxona said. “What I am about to tell you is a Kalent secret and one that I am begging you both to keep. If this gets out I will probably be dragged back to our homeworld in disgrace and you both will lose all cooperation from the Kalent, something that we are probably going to need. If Jon is coming to us with anything other than a middle finger then things are likely pretty grim.”

“Grim is an understatement,” Jon replied. “I’ll keep your secret.”

“Likewise,” [emailprotected]@ said as he took another sip. “I see no profit in betraying you especially if what I am beginning to suspect is true.”

“So,” Jaxona said calmly, “What do you know about something we call ‘The Great Ocean’?”

“It’s what you call retirement, right?” [emailprotected]@ asked. “I heard the late director mention it once or twice.”

“Retirement is a good term for it but rather incomplete,” Jaxona replied. “As you know our development of age reversing tech did not go well.”

“I didn’t know that,” Jon said.

“It almost destroyed our entire civilization,” Jaxona said. “No good can come from it.”

“Based on what’s happening thus far, I’m inclined to agree. Please continue.”

“Well, youth was a bust but the thought of existing beyond what was our normal lifespan once tasted was difficult to turn away from entirely,” Jaxona said as she reached for a small fried object. “Instead of preserving someone’s entire body, research into preserving the consciousness began and created what in time became what we call ‘The Great Ocean’. As it now exists, the Great Ocean is a hybrid biological and quantum computer network, possibly the largest in the entire galaxy, where individual consciousnesses are entered and preserved indefinitely.”

Jaxona paused as she chewed the fried morsel.

“The Great Ocean isn’t ‘retirement’ as you know it. It is more like the Kalent afterlife. It’s a one way trip into a new state of being or at least it’s supposed to be. When a Kalent’s biological life is drawing to a close either through age, incurable disease, or critical injury, the individual’s brain is removed and installed into the Great Ocean where it can interface freely with the entirety of the network. As the biological brain continues to age and lose function the consciousness naturally transfers more and more of itself into the network until eventually it resides there completely.”

Jon and [emailprotected]@ sat there silently as they processed what they were hearing.

“The entire brain is removed and connected for a couple of reasons,” Jaxona continued. “A real practical reason is that the individual brings along their own extra capacity. The system naturally grows as more individuals are added. What you would consider more traditional hardware can be added later. The other and perhaps most important reason why it is done this way is more philosophical. Many raised the question is uploading a copy of a being before it dies actually the being in question? By physically removing the brain and installing it there is no question. It is definitely the original consciousness. What happens next is a slow gradual transfer of it from the original ‘organic computer’ into the quantum network. It is generally accepted that this is still the ‘original’. In this state a consciousness can exist for a very long time though most do eventually dissolve into a huge gestalt being we know as The Great Dreamer.”

“So you actually played God,” Jon chuckled. “Built your own custom designed heaven.”

“Basically, yes,” Jaxona replied. “That is exactly what we did.”

“So when Axlea said that she was entering The Great Ocean,” [emailprotected]@ said in an uncomfortable tone, “she wasn’t talking about retirement. She was talking about suicide. She was going to kill herself.”

“That is a judgement that is entirely dependent upon one’s cultural values,” Jaxona said. “In some respects, yes. She was going to surrender her physical body but her brain would continue to live for awhile as she transitioned.”

“This is abhorrent,” [emailprotected]@ shuddered. “All those beings trapped in undeath, their souls lost forever. I can’t believe that is what Axlea intended for herself.”

“I wouldn’t go quite that far,” Jon said as he ate a bacon-like item, “but it is definitely a bit on the creepy side.”

“This is one reason that we don’t speak of it,” Jaxona said as she raised herself out of her globe and sipped some warm tea. “There are so many different cultures in the Federation. Some would react even more strongly than you did, [emailprotected]@.”

“So how many individuals are there in this Great Ocean,” Jon asked.

“Almost every single Kalent that has ever been born for a very very long time,” Jaxona replied. “Most of them eventually join The Great Dreamer sooner or later though.”

“When you say a long time,” Jon asked, “how long?”

“That’s a secret that I’m going to have to keep,” Jaxona replied. “I’m putting myself in the fryer basket enough as it is.”

“This is just wrong, so very wrong,” [emailprotected]@ muttered.

“Some Kalent agree with you and choose not to join The Great Ocean,” Jaxona said, “The vast majority consider that a tragedy though. All those experiences and all that knowledge just lost forever.” She shook her head sadly. “That does bring up one of the incredible advantages of The Great Ocean. All of the experiences, knowledge, and ability of every single Kalent who has entered it are preserved. Imagine if the greatest minds of your entire civilization could be called upon at any time. Any question, any problem, any crisis that arises you have not only all of the Kalent currently alive but every single Kalent that has existed since the inception of The Great Ocean. Think of it. The greatest scientific minds of countless generations not only still exist but can collaborate both with each other and the living. In a disease outbreak, the greatest physicians in history are on call. In war, the greatest leaders of all time stand ready. Art, music, literature… anything you can imagine benefits from the collective experience and talents of the ages. And then there is the magnificence of the The Great Dreamer. Its knowledge is impossibly vast, its wisdom is beyond imagining. Many Kalent believe that The Great Ocean is our greatest achievement.” Jaxona paused and chuckled. “Both of your cultures believe strongly in serving your people to your dying breath. For us, that’s just the beginning. Death does not relieve a Kalent of their duty. For us, duty to the Kalent is eternal.”

“It sounds like you have condemned yourselves to a hell of your own making,” [emailprotected]@ replied. “What you describe is hell.”

“I don’t know,” Jon said thoughtfully. “It’s definitely weird but hell? I don’t know. Imagine if Newton, Einstein, Hawking, and all the rest could still be sitting around exchanging ideas with each other and everyone else. Shit.”

“Exactly,” Jaxona replied. “Of course some of the older ones might not still be around as a discrete entity. They may now be part of The Great Dreamer but The Great Dreamer’s knowledge and wisdom are there for the asking.”

“As fascinating as all of this is,” Jon said as he refilled his coffee. “I assume you are telling us about this big secret for a reason. Something to do with our favorite eel perhaps?”

“Yes,” Jaxona replied. “Normally entering The Great Ocean is a one way trip. The physical brain is removed and the body recycled.”

“Recycled?” [emailprotected]@ asked raising his eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Jaxona replied. “If you don’t like The Great Ocean you really won’t like the way we ‘inter’ our dead. Anyway, the brain is removed and installed. However, that isn’t the only way we can extract a consciousness. Sometimes, usually due to an accident, the brain is too damaged to transfer intact. In those cases we have a way to download what remains. Quite often a great deal can be extracted from even the worst cases. Director Axlea received special permission to do just that. Using that digital extraction technique she created a copy of herself and uploaded it into The Great Ocean while she was still alive. This is… distasteful… to us. Creating a copy like that poses a lot of problems, both philosophical and legal, and brings forth images from yet another unpleasant chapter in our history. You can imagine how something like that could be abused.”

“I’d rather not,” [emailprotected]@ replied.

“Smart move,” Jaxona said, “It was pretty messed up. However, it is now considered more of a threat to the person copied than to anyone else so it was more akin to the former director wishing to mutilate herself than commit any dark deed so it was reluctantly allowed.”

“Why would she do that?” [emailprotected]@ asked in horror.

“You might not know this,” Jaxona replied, “but the Republic War really affected the former director. She, quite unfairly in my opinion, held herself directly responsible for all those deaths because she failed to stop it. It messed her up inside.”

“But there was no way she could have stopped it. She tried. They wouldn’t listen,” [emailprotected]@ said emphatically.

“There was no legitimate way she could have stopped it. However, she felt that there was much she could have done if only, to borrow a concept from our foe, she had enough ‘resolve’. When her old enemy resurfaced and was clearly putting a plan into motion she promised herself that she would do whatever it took to stop her. Making a copy of herself, despite the issues that would cause, was nothing to her.”

“What issues?” Jon asked.

“The biggest one would be when she entered The Great Ocean herself. Two copies of the same person can cause… problems. Interactions between the two identities can be problematic but the biggest problem that she would face would be from the other residents of The Great Ocean or even the living population. Multiple copies are not accepted by our culture. It is highly likely that there would be demands that one or even both of the Axlea consciousnesses be deleted. She was risking her very existence.”

“But, why?” [emailprotected]@ asked.

“To access the resources of The Great Ocean directly. She wouldn’t be limited by a terminal. She could explore the entirety of The Ocean instantly and intimately. It was risky in the extreme but she was also directly communing with The Great Dreamer to access that great mind and bring it to bear on the situation. Another reason was that she felt at a real disadvantage when facing Patricia. Her foe had regained her youth and she was keenly feeling the effects of her aging mind. The copy would be instantly as sharp as Axlea was in her prime. Also, by using the same neural interface tech the copy and the original could commune, sharing resources and essentially becoming one single larger mind when they were doing so. This is breaking so many conventions, guidelines, customs, and morals it isn’t even funny and invited condemnation and rage from the Kalent community should it have been found out but she did it.”

“If it was so much against the rules how did she manage it?” Jon asked.

“Short answer, it was Director Axlea,” Jaxona chuckled. “Anyway, the copy was actively working in The Great Ocean when the director, the real director, was assassinated.”

“Is this madness what the director was referring to when she said that she was ‘sufficiently protected’?” [emailprotected]@ asked with distaste.

“No,” Jaxona replied. “She was talking about the illicit Kalent tech shields she had in her bot. That thing could generate, for a few seconds, the shield strength of a heavy fighter. Whatever hit her globe would have punched a hole in a Starlancer, something she definitely wasn’t expecting! Didn’t you wonder why it was a team Kalent techs that recovered her bot?”

“So you’re a copy?” Jon asked.

“Oh no! Absolutely not!” Jaxona exclaimed. “Downloading copies and overwriting minds is absolutely forbidden! Even now, no matter how badly Axlea pushed for it, it wasn’t going to happen. A copy of a copy isn’t ever going to happen again and even under the current circumstances downloading her consciousness back into the ‘real world’ was not an option. Once again, there is a reason stemming from yet another historical incident. The Kalent would riot if that happened. She would be hunted down and there is nothing anyone could do to stop it.”

“So what did happen because something sure as hell did.”

“The next best thing,” Jaxona replied. “Axlea offered to allow herself to be broken down and just her memories and instincts extracted.” Jaxona looked at them grimly. “She asked that she be destroyed and the usable portions loaded into a volunteer. They went through the records and found me. I’m ‘special’,” she said with a bubbly scoff, “By Kalent standards I’m a ‘genius’ and it was believed that I would be able to accommodate all of ‘her’ and not only be able to maintain my identity but fully utilize what I would be given. When Axlea found me she was overjoyed. She could dissolve herself and load all of her memories and instincts into someone ‘smarter’ than she was and stay in the fight. She jumped at the chance. So, once I agreed to this madness what was left of her was loaded in.”

[emailprotected]@ lept up and backed away from the table in horror.

“So she killed herself and parts of her ‘corpse’ are in your head?”

“By your culture’s perception, yes,” Jaxona sighed sadly. “By ours as well, even though none of her actual tissue is involved.”

“And you agreed to this?” [emailprotected]@ demanded angrily. “What is wrong with you?!?”

“The situation required it,” Jaxona replied calmly, “I’m also a bit ‘strange’ by our standards. As blasphemous as the concept was the thought of having all of that knowledge and experience was just too tempting to pass up. My initial reasons might have been selfish but now that I have her memories I know I made the right decision. The Federation, the Kalent included, are in real peril. Sacrifices had to be made.”

“So what happened to the rest of her?” Jon asked.

“She probably now sleeps within The Great Dreamer or has dissolved completely,” Jaxona replied. “Without memories and the drives that come from them there would be little left to hold her together. I felt her briefly. She was free of all of the fear, horror, evil deeds, and all the rest. She was… innocent… and quite happy. I’m not sure how long she will last but she was finally free. Considering all of the terrible things she dealt with I think it was a fitting end.”

[emailprotected]@ just glared at her. “You’re unnatural, a monster,” he hissed.

“By the standards of both your culture and mine you are absolutely correct,” Jaxona replied. “but I’m a very useful one. I have all of Axlea’s memories and instincts and the full backing of the Kalent Forum with access to all the resources thereof. I’m sure I’m not the only ‘monster’ you work with am I?” She turned to Jon. “So, have your questions been answered sufficiently? Can we continue?”

“I now have a whole lot of other ones but I bet you won’t answer them,” Jon replied sipping his coffee. “I know enough. Yeah I am ready to talk.” He turned to [emailprotected]@. “It’s a good thing you are already horrified because boy do I have some shit to tell you guys...”

After he finished everyone sat in silence for a few moments.

“Well, and I’m speaking for all of the voices in my head when I say this... wow,” Jaxona said at last.

[emailprotected]@ just made an angry hiss and then said, “If it wouldn’t be exactly what she wanted I would be screaming for war right about now.”

“No,” Jaxona said looking off into space, “There has to be another way. We can’t… No. I can’t think of anything better right now… No! I can’t suggest that! It’s wrong!”

“Is the ghost of our favorite bitch whispering in your ear?” Jon asked. “Go ahead and share. Let’s do some Terran style brainstorming. Just say what you are thinking. There are no bad ideas.”

“I disagree,” Jaxona said grimly. “Ok. What comes to mind is this. We don’t cure it.”

“What?!?” [emailprotected]@ exclaimed. “We just let all those people die?”

“Exactly,” Jaxona replied in an icy tone. “We institute disaster level disease control protocols immediately. Institute a complete travel ban on all humans. Close our borders including aid from both the Republic and the Empire under the pretext of preventing the spread of the plague. All infected are quarantined. No research on a cure. If it is as deadly and virulent as we are being led to believe then it should burn itself out eventually. No cure means no fix for our friends. No fix for our friends means that we are rid of them in a few years at most. Easy peasy.”

“Now I know that Director Axlea is in there,” [emailprotected]@ said grimly. “I hear her in every word you just said.”

“I knew you were a bitch,” Jon said grimly, “but damn, I had no idea.”

“It’s horrible!” Jaxona exclaimed in her normal voice. “There has to be a better way! I don’t care! It’s… just one species and not a very numerous one at that… The loss of life will be much less than if she succeeds. Besides, it’s a population that has been nothing but trouble from day one. The Federation will be better off without… NO!… NO! You can’t say that! They are people!...”

Jon and [emailprotected]@ just looked at each other silently as Jaxona argued with herself.

“I agree that it is a terrible thing to do but right now for now it is a good move,” [emailprotected]@ said eventually. “We can direct our research not towards a cure but towards a vaccine. It is somewhat less evil and will be easier to sell than doing absolutely nothing. I don’t see total inaction working even if we institute disaster protocols and martial law. We would risk rebellion.”

“Even a vaccine could be helpful to her,” Jaxona replied. “No! A vaccine could work and it wouldn’t… ugh… I think I just might know a little more about this than you do… My major has absolutely nothing to do with this, you bitch! I learned more in my academy years than you ever did you… you… mainstreamer! Everybody knows what sort of Kalent goes into government service!,” Jaxona said as she thrashed back and forth in her globe.

“Everything ok in there?” Jon chuckled.

“Oh we are just fine!” Jaxona snapped. “Now stop screaming in my head or I will start taking those pills!… Yeah, you don’t like that do you? You made your point. I communicated it. Now please shut the fuck up!” Jaxona sighed and looked up, “Sorry about that. Part of me is having a conniption!”

“Another huge problem we have is that all of this is coming from one of her own people and a Bloodlord at that,” [emailprotected]@ said thoughtfully. “We are going to have a hard time doing anything before the bodies start to fall considering the credibility of the source, both the Bloodlord and you, Jon. I believe you but a lot of people won’t.” [emailprotected]@ clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth for a few seconds. “Any chance some of my people can interrogate this Crimson person?”

Jon nodded. “Provided that there are Terran representatives present at all times and you keep the drugs and inductors at home. She is cooperating. We don’t want to change that.”

“Deal,” [emailprotected]@ replied. “Now I just have to figure out how to sell all of this to the new director. This morning is gonna suck!”

“Of course, blocking the cure here in the Federation is only going to slow her down, not stop her, Jon,” Jaxona said quietly. “If she can’t get the ball rolling here-”

“She will release it in the Republic itself,” Jon said completing her sentence. “I already know how to stop that.”

“How?” [emailprotected]@ asked.

“I kill her,” Jon replied. “She dies and the whole problem just goes away. I made that decision before Crimson stopped talking.”

“Then why even get us involved?”

“Because a whole lot of people are going to die if you don’t do something right fucking now.”

“You are doing this to save… porkies?”

“Who knows,” Jon replied as he shrugged. “Maybe that. Maybe I fucked up and actually became an ambassador somewhere along the line and I’m trying to stop a war that doesn’t need to happen. Maybe I’m hedging my bets in case I fail. I don’t fucking know. I’m just playing this by ear at this point. All I know is that I felt you guys needed to get a heads up so maybe you can at least contain the damage and that I need to frag a certain bitch, literally. Let’s see her kung-fu dodge what I’m going to bring into her office.”

“Makes sense,” Jaxona said. “But whether you succeed or fail you will be out of the game. Who will we deal with once you’re gone?”

“Toby will make the introductions,” Jon replied. “Now if you will excuse me, I need to write the woman that I love a good-bye letter.”