The Dummies Guide for Superheroes: Introduction
Chapter 9

Brundon jerked awake when something began beeping. He looked upat the computer screen before he realized he wasn’t wearing his glasses. Hepatted his workstation, found his spectacles, and looked up again.

The screen had returned the results of twelve DNA samples fromthe alleged Detective Joachim Yardam’s body. Each one showed that 18 pairs ofchromosomes were a perfect match to Yardam’s initial samples taken before hewas turned into a storage device – but 5 pairs did not match, plus there werethree more pairs that were undetermined. These three pairs didn’t have acomparison to anything known on the planet. But maybe that wasn’t the strangestpart – how did a human DNA sample come back with 26 chromosome pairs at all?

Brundon muttered to himself, “Someone fucked up or screwed withthese samples. Fuck!”

He deleted the results and began preparing a request for a newtest – with a facility outside of Q.E.D. His work was suddenly hidden behind awindow with Monica’s face. From the background he could tell she was at home,and what was even more of a shame about the image was that she was in silkpajamas, her red hair cascaded down around her bare, freckled shoulders. He’dseen her like this many times in his years working as the NOC, and it wasalmost aching to realize that goddess perfection on the screen really hid ademon harpy.

Something she quickly reminded him of when she snapped, “Why didyou just delete the DNA test results from the John Doe?”

“The results were inconclusive. I’m ordering a new test, offsitethis time.”

“Why offsite?”

“Well, I’m not geneticist, but I do know humans do not have 26chromosomes pairs in their DNA, and those results did. And 5 pairs of the 23were someone else’s, or something else, I don’t know which. I think someonetampered with the samples or maybe the equipment was contaminated. Either way,the results are worthless.”

“Did this problem occur with the men who were caught and killedat the Q.E.D. offices in Cairo and London?”

“If it had, BRINDA would have flagged it, wouldn’t she?” Brundonasked back.

Monica thought for a moment. “Tell me what the results fromthese new tests are when you get them.”

Brundon bit back the sarcastic remark that came to mind. “Yeah.Okay.”

“And Brundon, if you ever delete information which I haverequested before speaking to me again, I’ll replace another NOC. You are not asindispensable as you think you are.”

Her face disappeared.

“Bitch,” Brundon muttered before he went back to work.

The six heroes clustered like nuns gathering to minister in astrip club. They were doing this on faith and because they had to save people,not because they wanted to or were in the least bit comfortable with it. Themaladjusted team didn’t speak as they walked through the temple halls toward anexit. The monks watched them pass but didn’t comment about the masks they wore.

Luke and Harley had settled on simple ski masks, the others hadgone a little different. Anna was wearing a witch mask, Phan had found anArnold Schwarzenegger mask, Leverett wore a monster mask, and Sabra wore ahalf-face Mardi Gras mask. Luke had also convinced them to wear gloves toprevent fingerprints from being left behind.

They stopped at the bottom of the stairs leading up to an exit.The six stared at the door, letting their uncertainty show.

“So...” Luke began, but he wasn’t sure where to lead it fromthere. He waited for someone else to add something, but no one did. “Are wesupposed to say something prophetic or just go?”

Anna turned her dark eyes on him. “If you make up some reallystupid thing that we have to say every time we go off to save the world, I willkill you. Again.”

Luke didn’t smile or respond to that. He looked at Harley.

“Let’s go before the dead guy decides not to be dead anymore,”Harley said.

“That works,” Luke said.

The others headed up the stairs to the door.

A hand grabbed Luke’s arm, startling him. His fear turned thearea around him into Hawkins Point. Luke didn’t hear the others hit the dirtbehind him.

“LUKE!” the other five yelled.

“It’s okay, Luke,” Ray said, his worried eyes watching him.“Relax and breathe, okay?”

Hawkins Point vanished, leaving the five lying on the steps.Luke nodded, but stared shamefully at the floor.

“Better get control of that. Won’t help anyone if you’re jumpingat shadows.” Ray patted his shoulder.

Luke tried to smile, but he was too nervous to see it through.

“I wanted to tell you good luck and be safe. We don’t wantQ.E.D. getting their hands on any of you. Remember…” He raised his voice, “Allof you remember this. You’re not invincible. You can be killed again. Thistime, it’s forever. Be really careful out there.”

Luke started to pull away, but Ray held on. He looked back atRay.

Quieter Ray told him, “I visited your father yesterday. He toldme about his superhero rules, and I think that first one is a good one. Youdon’t have to save the world, Luke, just the ones you care about. Focus onsaving these five and your father, and everything else will take care ofitself.” Ray offered an encouraging smile.

Luke nodded and pulled away. He walked up the stairs to lead thegroup in stealing a body that held their secret of life.

Monica walked into a shattered lobby of Q.E.D. headquarters. Thefront doors had been blown out. Windows were shattered and the receptionistdesk was a pile of splinters and twisted metal. She looked back as twoambulances pulled away from the front, carrying away the living but wounded.Around her the less wounded sat or ambled with dazed looks. She had seendestruction in all forms; a terror attack was the closest to comparison.

“Do you work here?” he asked.

“I’m Monica Stokes, CEO. What happened?”

“We’re still working on that. I’m Detective Sinise. Was Q.E.D.working on weapons at this facility?”

“I can’t answer that. Are you assuming this was an accident?”

“You security guards reported that six people were seen in theparking lot before one of them threw something at the window and the lobby blewup. Officers and emergency personal reported that about twenty minutes later,when they had just arrived at the scene, those same six came out of thebasement and no one can remember what happened next. Sort of sounds like asuspicious weapon, doesn’t it? Maybe one of those not so stolen Q.E.D.prototypes?”

“No, Detective, that sounds more like a terrorist attack andpeople suffering from a traumatic event. It also sounds like you should ask tobe reassigned since you’re already bias against my company.”

He smiled but it didn’t hide his expression that said he didn’tbelieve her.

“To help me do my job, I’ll need to see your security video? Ican have—”

“Where’s Brundon Doughtry?” Monica asked.

“He’s in the morgue,” Detective Sinise answered. “About thesecurity video, Missus Stokes. If I could—”

“That will be all.” Monica walked off before he could ask morequestions she had no intention of answering.

She found a dozen police officers, two guards, and Brundon inthe morgue. She marched up to Brundon, wrapped her fingers around his arm, anddrug him into an alcove at the back of the room.

“I was on my way to Sydney when I get a call from the SantaClara police chief saying someone bombed our building. Why was the police chiefcalling me instead of you?”

Brundon lowered his voice. “He was asking too many questions, soI sent him to you, just like you always tell me to do. Monica, these peoplestole Joachim Yardam’s look-alike anyway.”

“Did we get the results back from his DNA?”

“I called. They sent them last night but they haven’t arrived.”

She glanced at an officer as he passed. “Please tell me youweren’t an idiot and told these morons that.”

“I would never give the police information thatmight help them identify whoever bombed our building. God forbid! They mightactually catch the people who did this!”

Monica stared at Brundon. There was no indication if hissarcastic come back had angered her.

“I’m going to my office to view the security footage. Join mewhen you’ve gotten rid of the police.” She walked away.

Brundon pressed his lips together, trying to keep his cool.

“Sir, I have some questions,” Detective Sinise said as he walkedup behind Brundon.

Brundon turned to him, erasing the angry expression before thedetective saw it.

Monica sat down at her desk, facing a screen that took up theentire opposite wall. She reached her hand out, pushing it into the control geltray on her desk. A computer desktop appeared and she navigated to the folderscontaining the video files from the previous night. She pulled up several videofiles and started them playing. Her attention was drawn to the angle showingthe front door…

14 Hours Earlier

A van pulled up to the front door of Q.E.D. and the sixdysfunctional heroes climbed out. Harley moved away from the group, watching ablue electric ball he rolled from hand to hand. The other five watched thedoors. Despite the late hour, employees came and went from the building, and atfirst the guards didn’t notice the six. It wasn’t until several employees hadnoticed the group and pointed them out that the guards took notice themselves.Two guards walked to the doors, staring back. The other two began usheringpeople behind security doors and radioing for backup.

“Four guards, six of us. The odds aren’t so bad. How should wetake them?” Anna asked Luke.

No one spoke.

She turned to Luke. “Luke?”

“There are eighteen night guards,” was all he could think tosay, “not four. The others are most likely on rounds, but I imagine they’vebeen called to the front by now.

“Eighteen?” She laughed a little, looking back at thedoors. “You didn’t think that was worth mentioning before we got here? Thatmaybe we should have made a plan other than driving up to the front door wherethey could see us?”

He stared at the doors without answering.

Irritated she demanded, “How are we getting in, Luke?”

“I don’t know, Anna!” Luke snapped at her.

“Check this out,” Harley said.

The six looked. The heat from the electric ball was causing hisgloves to smoke.

“Great. And what are you going to do with your blue ball now?”Anna chided.

He looked at her. “You can be such a bitch.”

“Men do that to me.”

Luke snapped, “Harley, get rid of it!”

“Someone might be able to figure out who we are if we keep usingour real names.” Harley moved into a pitcher stance, looking at the frontdoors. “We really are going to have to come up with superhero names.Something…”

Luke looked at the doors. Four guards now stood at the doorswatching them. He looked back at Harley, and all of his knowledge of kineticenergy and mass revealed to him a horrible outcome.

“Cool,” Harley finished saying.

“NO!” Luke yelled a moment too late as Harley chucked the ballof electricity at the doors. The ball hit the doors and discharged with theforce of three sticks of TNT.

The lobby windows burst.

The guards were blown across the open space.

The steel and cherry wood front desk exploded.

Glass and shrapnel whizzed away with a zing, slicing throughskin and clothing.

Alarms began wailing.

Luke turned to Harley. He wore an expression that told moreabout how enraged he was than any words could.

“I didn’t… I didn’t know it…” Harley stammered. “I didn’t thinkit would…”

“You didn’t think a ball of electricity might blow up!? Did youthink it would just make pretty lights?”

“It’s not like I’ve been throwing balls of electricity aroundall my life, Luke!”

“So you don’t have basic knowledge of electricity, too? Isuppose before you died you put your fingers in electric sockets! Threw wateron exposed lines!”

“Guys,” Leverett said.

Harley snapped back, “I didn’t know it would do that, asshole!I’ve never made electricity with my bare hands before!”

“Luke,” Leverett said.

“That’s your excuse!? I’m ignorant so I can be stupid?”Luke snapped back.

“MEN!” Leveret yelled.

“WHAT!?” they both snapped at him.

“Luke, as our leader, shouldn’t you be more concerned about thealarms going off and retrieving Joachim’s body before the police show up?”Leverett asked.

Luke looked at the destroyed lobby, and then shot a glare atHarley, but he didn’t reinstate the argument.

In a calmer voice, Luke told them, “Follow me. And no one usenames until we’re out.”

“What should we use?” Sabra asked.

“I don’t care,” he snapped.

The six hesitated a moment before following him.

Luke glanced at the guards as he walked by them, hoping theyweren’t dead. They didn’t need the world thinking they were murderers.

He led them to the stairs and down to the morgue.

At the morgue door he pulled out a key ring with two dozen keys.It took seventeen tries to replace the right one.

The group entered the dimly lit room. The morgue was one of thefew departments that was staffed during the day but not at night.

“I still do not understand why a tech place has a morgue,”Leverett whispered. He didn’t really need to whisper, but it seemed theappropriate thing to do in a morgue.

“Well,” Phan began, “besides using the bodies for experiments,they also need to—”

Anna grabbed Phan’s throat, strangling him silent. “Not. Now.”

He barely nodded and she let go. Phan rubbed his throat andstarted glaring at her when she turned away from him.

“Okay, the bodies are over there in the freezer,” Luke said andled them to the freezer. He pulled open the door, revealing a room with shelvesof body bags or bodies in full body suits with strange electrical patterns andareas of LED lights. “BRINDA says the ones in suits are back up units for thecomputer when one fries. The ones in bags are for experiments. Check the bodybags first.”

They fanned out, unzipping body bags enough to see theoccupant’s face.

They quickly unzipped and zipped body bags until Sabra, hiddenby shelves at the far back called out, “Found him.”

They gathered around Joachim, staring at his pale face. Helooked too peaceful to be dead.

“Too bad he didn’t believe,” Leverett said.

“BRINDA got the police file from the day he died and there wassocial media posts and videos all over the web,” Anna told them. “He hadcontrol of the weather and made a storm inside the precinct. Before he died, hekilled that bastard partner of his with lightening. He did believe, just notsoon enough.”

The moments following were awkward silence. The superheroesrealized they could have been Joachim too. They could have died a second time,realizing at the last minute that BRINDA was right, and that there was noreturn to their old lives. It was a heavy reality to face.

Anna suddenly pushed them out of her way, zipped up the bag, andhoisted it onto her shoulder. “But he didn’t. Let’s move.”

“Do you need help?” Harley asked.

“I put my fists through walls. What do you think?”

Harley shrugged.

“Come on,” Luke urged.

The group headed back up the stairs. They came to the lastlanding as three police officers walked through the door. The police officersdrew their guns.

“Don’t move,” an officer ordered.

They obeyed for lack of a better idea.

“Now might be a really good time for that little gift of yours,Leader,” Anna urged.

“It doesn’t work on demand, yet,” Luke said.

She leaned in, pressing the cold corpse of Joachim againstLuke’s back. “Then imagine yourself in jail getting butt fucked every night.”

That worked. The stairwell turned into Hawkins Point. The suddenchange of scenery confused the police officers.

“Could you give us something else? Something we can actuallywork with here?” Anna told him.

Luke scrunched his face, thinking of a place. His old labsurrounded them.

“Captain, muster up a small lightening ball; one that won’t killanything.” Luke ordered Harley.

He heard something pop and hiss behind him and a ball ofelectricity flew past his ear. It hit one officer. He fell back against theother two and the ball shocked all three, knocking them unconscious.

The stairwell appeared. The six charged out the door into alobby full of firefighters, paramedics, six more police officers, and what wasleft of the Q.E.D. guards. The police officers and guards ripped their gunsfrom their holsters.

“Aw hell!” Leverett cried. “This was supposed to be easy!”

“Stealing a body is never easy,” Phan told him.

“Yeah. Because you’ve stolen a lot.”

Phan didn’t comment. Leverett looked at him. Phan offered anervous smile.

“Are you kidding me!?” Leverett bellowed.

“I had student loans!”

Louder Leverett bellowed, “Are you fucking kiddingme!?”

“Put the body down,” an officer ordered.

“I’m having a conversation here, young man. Put that gun awayand wait your turn!”

The officer holstered his gun and answered. “Yes, sir.”

Leverett had looked away to yell again at Phan but the responsegot his attention. He looked at the man. The officer had obeyed Leverett’scommand.

Luke looked back at him. With a single head nod he motioned atthe officers and firefighters blocking the hero’s way out.

Leverett nodded. Using a firm, authoritative voice he’d trainedhimself to use with suicide jumpers and people who were in a panic, Leverettordered, “I want all of you to put the safety back on those guns and put themaway.”

As a group, they obeyed. The firefighters and paramedics lookedready to run. One took a couple steps toward the door.

“Now,” Leverett ordered, “everyone stay right where you are. Donot move a single step.”

They stopped moving. Their expressions went blank.

“This is like looking at the terra cotta army,” Phan commentedin a whisper. “This is some creepy pasta shit!”

“Good. Once we have left the parking lot, you can move again.You’ll go take care of those officers in the stairwell, get them to thehospital. Understand?”

“Yes,” they answered in unison.

The six didn’t move.

“We should maybe go now,” Phan whispered.

They started walking, weaving their way through the people. Tothe six it felt like they were walking through zombies that at any moment wouldattack them. As soon as the six were outside, they ran like hell to their van.Harley had leapt into the driver’s seat and revved the engine to life beforethe doors were even closed. He slammed it into drive and was squealing out ofthe parking lot as the others slammed doors shut.

The lobby remained still until the van turned out of the parkinglot. Eight people dropped, bleeding from their nose and ears. The others shookthemselves out of the shock, replaceing they had bloody noses, and were unable totell anyone what had happened to the body snatchers.