Vaudevillain
Chapter 27: Petty Theft is for Minions

Humbolt plaza sat smack dab in the middle of Haven City's residential district. Named after Charles Humbolt, the foremost inventor in nautical technology, this plaza held everything from groceries to DIY equipment for the residents around them. The entire plaza stood as a marvel to minimalist engineering, using every inch of space possible to create a perfect shopping experience. Visitors would drive and park in an underground garage and could take elevators up to the various shopping centers.

Of course, none of this was important to Cass. The only reason it mattered right now was because Cass was anxious. Anxious enough to look at the little information blurbs pasted onto the walls of the elevator in the vain hope that it would calm him down. Right now the minion was standing at the back of the elevator crammed in with a bunch of Jacques.

Boss had tasked Cass, Mabel, and all the Jacques with acquiring a large list of various items for his new inventions. After that boss had made his signature disappearing move and Cass all alone with Mabel and the others. He had tried to make up some excuse for leaving but Mabel had used her sweet voice and Cass found himself agreeing. Now he was stuck waiting to loot this place of anything important.

Truth be told, Cass didn't think he was built for these sorts of excursions. The whole smash and grab gig was more Mabel's shtick. He would much rather stand next to his boss and offer him delicious drinks whenever it was needed. Sure there was some danger involved, like when Cass almost got eaten by those wolf mutants, but at least he knew the boss was there for him.

He knew Mabel would drop him like old news if given the chance. It made their working environment a tad chilly, to say the least. Cass knew Mabel wished for the day to have boss all to herself so she could have her way with him. So Cass was taking extra care to keep his eyes peeled for any treachery.

Take the ride over for example. Mabel had tried to make Cass ride on the roof of the cars she commandeered. She had walked up to the lines of houses around them, knocking politely and looking every bit a lost old woman. From there she charmed the residents into giving up their vehicles for, "A poor old lady such as herself." No one could resist Mabel once she turned on the charm.

Well, no one except the deaf. Cass had learned that after the battle at the trainyard. So for once, Cass had used a bit of foresight to stuff two cotton balls in his ears. He couldn't hear a single thing, but it was worth it to keep Mabel from getting rid of him. Who knew what the woman would try if Cass wasn't there for the boss. He shuddered just thinking about it.

Once the cars had been commandeered it was a simple matter of having some of Mabel's Jacobs drive the rest of them to the plaza. Boss had said it was the closest place for grabbing most of the items. The line of SUVs, vans, and cars all turned into the giant square building in perfect synchronization. Once parked the entire group made their way over to the elevators, two Jacobs taking out a mall security guard in the process.

And that led Cass to here. He'd tried to trick Mabel into going before him by using the time old tradition of ladies' first, to no avail. The old bat had laughed and commanded a group of Jacques to push Cass into the elevator. She waved to him as the door closed.

The door dinged open, revealing a short hallway leading to a department store the size of the boss' mansion. Two mall cops stood at the ends of the door. Each held a club of some kind in their hand and used it to wave shoppers through. Other citizens of Haven City milled about, a group of them standing in a ring around the elevator.

As the Jacques spilled out these passersby were the first to be bombarded by the Jacques' whirling canes. Windmilling sticks collided with the heads of confused citizens, knocking them to the ground in a daze. The Jacques advanced forwards over the downed bodies, heedless of the damage they caused. Chaos reigned as the various NPCs screamed in terror and ran away from the oncoming tide of Jacques.

The two cops at the end of the hall turned to the Jacques and brandished their weapons. One moved forwards to charge while the other pulled at a communicator on their shirt.

"Hostiles on the third floor! Bring backup!"

And then the Jacques swept through the two guards. Both the protectors tried raising their clubs to block but there were too many minions. As one blow was blocked two more found their way past and connected with skulls. The two guards slumped to the ground unconscious.

Cass slinked out of the elevator once the Jacques had taken care of the guards. As the minions rushed into the department store Cass brought out a coil of rope and hogtied the guards. For good measure, he took both clubs and their communicators. With that done he moved into the department store.

The Jacques were already hard at work tearing the place apart. The witless minions crashed into every aisle, broke every shelf they saw, and clocked every passerby over the head. Cass wished the boss was here. All this chaos was bound to bring extra trouble.

Knowing he had little time, Cass ran from aisle to aisle and grabbed as much as he could see. He shoved whatever he could into a shopping cart he'd snatched. Boxes of cornstarch, sunglasses, various clothes, anything that remotely resembled something on the boss' list went in. When the entire cart sat piled high with random goods Cass told a Jacques to bring it to the elevator.

The butler continued to shove goods into the shopping carts until the entire elevator was filled to the brim with all manner of random items. With his task done, Cass made his way over to the elevator in question and pressed the button for the ground floor. As the doors closed Cass shakily took out a handkerchief and wiped his sweating brow. The doors dinged open when they reached the ground floor, revealing a score of policemen.

"Oh I really wish boss was here right now," Cass moaned.

He cowered as the police approached, pushing the overladen carts in front of him. When there were no more carts to get behind Cass ducked down in the corner of the elevator. It was a ridiculous attempt to hide and he knew it. With eyes closed, Cass awaited his fate.

He heard the squeaking of cart wheels and the noise of shifting goods, but there was no sound of police yelling they'd found him. Braving the world, Cass opened one eye to peek out. The police were grabbing the stuffed carts and wheeling them out of the elevator! Cass couldn't believe it.

"That's right dears Momma needs all this taken down to her cars. My boys will help you replace it." Momma Mabel came into view attended by a few young policemen.

"Yes mom!" The policemen shouted. With jerking legs, the would-be protectors wheeled the carts over to another set of elevators on the opposite end of the hall.

Seeing he wasn't in danger any longer, Cass stood and put on a brave face. "That was a mean trick you pulled there Mabel."

Momma turned from admiring her young attendants and gave Cass and amused look. "Well, no harm done. Right? Now go along and help these wonderful men load our cars. I'll head on up to make sure the others start coming down."

Cass still had the cotton in his ears. "What was that?"

Mabel pouted and pointed a finger towards the score of police. Her other hand motioned for Cass to follow. "Oh I see what you want. Yeah, I'll go make sure the men keep in line." Cass marched down to the elevators, squeezing himself between two controlled officers.

When the elevator dinged Cass and the rest spilled out with the carts. Momma Mabel's minions stood waiting at the end of the parking garage. The Jacobs had stolen even more cars and were lining them up. Policemen formed a line with the carts and starting loading the goods into the trunks of each vehicle.

"Doing great boys!" Cass clapped one of the policemen on the back. She turned to glare at him. "Yeesh, no need to bite my head off."

When the last cart had been emptied the elevator dinged again to show Mabel coming out with the Jacques. Another load of goods laden carts was wheeled out of the elevator and into the stolen vehicles. Cass figured they had emptied around half the store. A part of him wondered where they would put it all.

"Right dears, thank you all ever so much for helping us on our shopping spree. I'd never be able to do it on my own."

The controlled policemen nodded. Mabel sent them on their way, telling them to keep anyone from tailing them. She then commanded her Jacobs to get in half the stolen cars and drive them back. That done, she turned to the Jacques and instructed them to get in the rest of the cars and drive all across the town.

"I want y'all to create as much chaos as you can. Understand?"

The Jacques nodded and rushed towards the cars, pushing each other out of the way in an attempt to reach the driver's seat first. With that done, Mabel and Cass made to get into one of the stolen cars.

"Hold it right there you abominable outlaws!"

A man in bright blue tights landed at the entrance of the parking garage. He was sporting a green cape and a large W in the same green color was printed on the front of his spandex. Behind him, five other heroes landed, each dressed in various colorful garb.

"You fiends will not terrorize the sanctity of this shopping center any longer! For I, Wonderman! Am here to save the day!" Wonderman's cape flowed outward from an invisible wind.

Cass moaned, "Now I really, really, wish boss was here right now."

Mabel rolled her eyes. She walked over in front of the posing superhero. "Oh dearie me, you wouldn't hit a frail old woman like myself would you?"

Wonderman turned. "Madam, as much as it pains me to strike a woman, I will not hesitate to do so in the pursuit… of justice!"

Wonderman wound up a punch and made to throw it. Cass flinched as the fist flashed forward. He closed his eyes, he couldn't watch what was about to happen. A shockwave of air and sound flew over Cass's face, taking his hat right off his head.

"Egads! Somehow this malicious maid has thwarted my mighty blow!"

Cass opened his eyes. Mabel was standing calmly in front of Wonderman. The hero in question stood with one fist inches away from Mabel's face. He kept trying to push it forwards as if brute force would bypass whatever held him back.

Cass breathed a sigh of relief. He was sure Mabel had almost been down for the count.

"Now dear, it's not very nice to hit a lady. I think you should apologize."

Wonderman seemed to struggle. "I would never say sorry to a criminal."

While Mabel and Wonderman stared each other down, the five other heroes made their move. They spread out around the middle-aged minion warily. Mabel glanced over. "Now dears, you shouldn't be looking to gang up on a woman like this."

One of the five stiffened and back away. "Sorry Mom."

The four remaining heroes looked at him. "That's your mother?" One said.

The man shook his head. He was dressed in a thin set of armor, similar to that of a medieval archer. "No. No! Get out of my head!"

"Mind control!" One of the others yelled.

"Take her quick!"

One of the heroes levitated in the air, magical spheres of light manifesting around them. Two more ran forward, their appearances changing into some kind of elemental. The last sat on the ground and started to chant. Thin barriers appeared around the heroes.

But the heroes weren't the only ones preparing. While Mabel talked the Jacobs all scattered around, looking for an opportunity. When the heroes attacked, the Jacobs rushed out. Three made a coordinated strike at the barrier hero and three more made their way in front of Mabel. The last six all spread out, looking for a chance to strike.

Cass decided now was the best time to duck under the dashboard.