Vaudevillain
Chapter 5: Make Do With What You Have

With the idea in mind, Dylan typed the words "gender bender gun," into his power tab.

Gender Bender gun

Phlebotinium (1 g)

Hair Dryer (1)

His and Her wedding rings (1 pair)

Shaving cream (1 can)

Rule 63 printout (1)

"What the heck is phlebotinium?" Dylan said aloud. He could get everything else, though the his and her rings would be expensive. He could steal them, but he already decided that resorting to petty crimes was beneath him. Oh well, he could worry about that later. First, he needed to figure out what phlebotinium was.

He opened up his friends tab and messaged John.

Superfan39526:

Hey do you know what phlebotinium is?

He waited for his friend to get back to him. It might be a while since he was on a mission. While waiting, Dylan went down to a corner store near him and purchased a hairdryer and some shaving cream. John still hadn't answered after he walked out of the store so Dylan searched for a library in the area. Or somewhere he could print out a copy of rule 63. Unfortunately, anything that sold goods other than basic necessities was on the other side of the fence.

"Guess I should replace a way to get into the city," Dylan mused.

The homeless man in front of the gate had mentioned that the gang called the Khaum could get him past the gates. Or he could look for a hole in the fence. Working with the gang at the beginning wouldn't be too bad. But John would never shut up if he ended up working with the gang after deciding to go it alone. He guessed that left him only one option, searching for a hole in the fence.

"Or…" Dylan said, a plan forming in his head. "I could try something else."

It was a brilliant day in Haven City. The brilliant yellow sun shone down on both guards and citizens alike as they went about their business. On the side of the slums, men and women with colored shoulder scarves stood around on street corners. Citizens passed through the fence, flashing badges to the guards for passage into the city. On rare occasions, someone from the financial district would pass through to the slums with a briefcase in hand. The man would walk past the scarved people and discreetly hand the briefcase off.

A deal was going down today. A deal between the Khaum gang and some higher-ups in the finance district. Of course, the hero's guild of Haven City was privy to this information. That was why the apprentice hero Heroic and his leader Wonderman were currently on lookout.

"Wonderman, the man just handed off a briefcase."

"Good work Boy Wonder!"

"Heroic."

"Quite right, what a heroic stakeout this is! Look! The dastardly fiend has handed off the briefcase."

Heroic sighed. Of all the heroes to get stuck under, he got apprenticed to an Adam West knockoff. Once again he debated about changing characters. But Haven City was a great place to get a foothold according to the forums. The only two factions at play were the Khaum gang and the Mayor. The hero's guild was understaffed and the Khaum's were your run-of-the-mill mafia.

This meant there was plenty of room for new players to gain some reputation. And Heroic was banking on gaining reputation fast. It was working too. He was already at rank D, a protector of a large city. There had been plenty of work to do, catching petty criminals and thieves. He'd even won some PvP fights already against other players.

But working with the campiest hero in existence was grating on his nerves. It also clashed with the image Heroic was trying to cultivate. He wanted his character to be the paragon of virtue. But that couldn't happen if he was stuck with this NPC until he could strike it out on his own.

"It's only one more mission," Heroic muttered under his breath.

"What was that Boy Wonder?" Wonderman said.

"Nothing. Look the Khaums have the briefcase."

"So they do! Come! We must follow the fiends to their base!"

Wonderman jumped down from his perch on top of the fence guard tower, taking no care to hide from the various gang members around. Heroic sighed, the NPC couldn't follow anyone discreetly. He watched as the Khaum gangsters revealed hidden knives and switchblades from pockets in their scarves. Heroic sat hidden in the guard tower, waiting for a moment to reveal himself.

He didn't get the chance. Two rounded ears appeared over the flat roof of the building on the corner. The ears were a patchwork of all types of cloth and colored in garish reds and blues. The ears rounded the corner and it became apparent they were attached to a large stuffed bear. It had black marble eyes and was dressed in a formal suit. A bow tie sat under the collar.

At first, neither side paid any attention to the giant monster of fluff, content to size each other up. That all stopped when the bear's foot sailed between the group and kicked the briefcase. The case rocketed high into the air and split open. Money and Jewels rained down from the sky like manna from heaven.

Wonderman turned to address this new threat. "Egads! It’s a plush pummeller of death! Quickly Boy Wonder! We must protect the townsfolk!"

At the same time, a man dressed in a suit and carrying a cane walked in front of the bear.

"Good people of Haven City! Do not be alarmed! My name is Dr. Zlo! I only seek to cross the fence with my companion here! Stay out of the way and you will not be harmed."

In response, the guards at the fence opened fire on the bear. Bullets punctured the creature's cloth skin, riddling it with holes.

"I see you wish to make the difficult choice. Very well! Roosevelt!"

The bear padded forwards on soft feet towards the guards, impervious to the hail of bullets. Heroic watched from his perch at the guard tower, incredulous. Was this some nemesis of Wonderman? The character certainly looked the part, all dressed up like that. But he hadn't heard of any villains like that from the hero. And he was sure Wonderman would mention something like that.

While the bear moved along towards the fence, Wonderman was escorting the civilians out of the way of the giant bear. Many of them had stopped what they were doing to pick up the scattered cash and jewels. Wonderman picked each up one at a time and set them to the side safely.

"Boy Wonder! Assist the guards!" Wonderman called.

Dylan sauntered along behind the giant stuffed bear he had named Roosevelt. It had taken the rest of his funds and a complete buyout of everything in the thrift store, but he now had a giant minion to assault the guarded fence. This was exactly how Dr. Zlo should operate, flashy and the center of attention. Granted, it was Roosevelt that was grabbing it all, but Dr. Zlo could share the credit with his minions. From time to time anyways. The big schemes were entirely his idea.

He hadn't realized a hero would be at the wall, that might change some things. Dylan had made the stuffed bear to deal with mundane guards, not superpowers. There was no way the plush exterior would stand up to fire or super strength. Oh well, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

A man jumped down from the guard tower and landed in front of him. He was dressed in a molded bodysuit that covered from head to toe. A helmet-like mask covered his face and a mohawk of some kind rested on top. The entire costume was a brilliant golden color. He looked like some type of modern-day spartan.

"Surrender," The spartan said. The man moved to attack Dylan.

"Wait!" Dylan cried, holding his cane out in front of him. "Before you say anything! I completely understand. Walking stuffed animals are so blasé. Here I am, villain mastermind, and I have to use a giant plush toy to cross a fence! But you make do with what you have and I was dropped here rather unceremoniously. If you would let me cross I promise to come back with a much more threatening minion. Perhaps a giant monster. Or two."

The man just stood still while Dylan monologed. Was this one of the NPC heroes? The game didn't show any nametags for players because it wanted to give a more authentic experience. But even after Dylan finished his small rant the man stood still.

"It seems my powers of soliloquy have rendered you immobile. That was not a power I thought I had but I will gladly use it. I'm sure I will see you when my giant monster is rampaging across the city. Goodbye."

As Dylan talked, he made to walk around the hero but was stopped by the man stepping in front of him and throwing a punch. It connected with Dylan's stomach and sent him reeling backward.

"I warned you," The man said.

"Low blow. And here I thought I was the villain. Roosevelt~!"

Dylan called out to his giant plush toy. The giant bear had been hard at work kicking down fences and guards alike. His soft feet did little damage but getting smothered under giant amounts of cloth was enough to take anyone out of the fight. Now the bear turned back towards its creator and lumbered forwards.

The spartan rushed at Dylan with speed. In response, he pressed down on the top of his cane. The end opened up and spilled forth a slick substance on the ground. Unable to stay balanced, the hero slipped and fell flat on his face in the liquid.

"Bleh. Oil?" He sputtered.

Dylan didn't respond. He turned the knob at the top of his cane to the left and pressed down again. White foam spilled out and covered the hero. With his vision blinded, Dylan ran over to his minion.

The man didn't stay down for long. Tendrils of some kind sprang from his armor and brushed away the oil and foam. The hero Heroic stood and looked around for his villainous foe. Sighting Dylan, he dashed forwards, the tendrils retreating into his armor.

Dylan reached Roosevelt as Heroic reached him. The hero threw out a punch, aiming straight at Dylan's face. Dylan dodged back on reflex, almost tripping over his bear minion's foot. He resolved to learn self-defense at some point. Stumbling around was not something Dr. Zlo would do.

Roosevelt kicked out at Heroic. A wall of cloth collided with the hero and Heroic grunted at the impact. But the hero did not move. Instead, the hero's muscles bulged and his arms wrapped around the bear's foot.

Grunting, the hero lifted Roosevelt into the air and prepared to throw him. Dylan took the chance to shoot more oil from his cane, this time in the hero's face.

The black liquid splattered against the pristine hero and he reflexively let go of the giant bear. Roosevelt fell to the ground, right on top of the hero.

"Good work Roosevelt!" Dylan shouted. "Now keep him occupied for a bit longer! I'll be sure to come back for you later!" He lied. Most likely the hero would rip the bear to shreds, a sad fate indeed.

"I'll avenge you later my first minion," Dylan whispered. In a louder voice, he yelled over the crowd. "Let it be known that this is the day you almost caught Dr. Zlo, villain extraordinaire!" With a loud cackle, he rushed off into the city.

Heroic was smothered under the bear, unable to move as his power deemed it more appropriate to survive without breathing. Eventually, a ripping sound could be heard from above. Heroic watched as a hand tore through the cloth fabric and reached down to grab him.

He was hauled out into the light of day by Wonderman. The hero had saved the civilians and subdued the rampaging Khaum gang.

"What a strange turn of events. Eh, Boy Wonder? Too bad about the case, it seems we'll never know what it was going to be used for."

Because you have failed in your quest to tail the shady businessman, you have been docked reputation.

Heroic groaned. That meant three more quests with this yahoo of a hero. He turned to the fence, now a mangled piece of abstract art, and vowed that he would kill that villain Dr. Zlo if he ever saw him again.