North x Northwest
Chapter 185

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When the weight of her body hit the desk, a pile of books fell to the floor. Lil was out of breath even though she wasn’t really being choked. She struggled to get rid of Ed, but as she did he just gripped her collar with both hands. Ed easily dealt with her with one hand, let alone using two. In the end, Lil could only stare at him with an agonising gaze. His green eyes, which seemed to have lost their reason, showed clear signs of madness. Around his squirming pupils, the whites of Ed’s eyes shimmered.

“I listened to your breathing for two months! You didn’t budge, even when I begged you to stop making me merely listen…”

“…”

Lil’s toes barely touched the floor. Her feet struggled to replace support and desperately climbed onto the spine of a book that had fallen to the floor.

“So why did you pretend to be asleep?”

“…”

But then, the book gave way and the cover was pushed aside. Her toes, which instantly lost their support again, curled up again.

“In front of me?!”

“..!”

Lil panickedly patted her hand on the desk behind her. Papers, books and more papers. Those were all that her fingertips could feel on the messy desk. However, her index finger suddenly pricked into something liquid-lik and the rest of her fingers quickly then groped around it. It was a hard glass bottle.

‘Ink.’

“How much do I…”

“You crazy bastard!”

Lil swung her arm forward while holding the ink bottle. The dark liquid splashed on Ed, emitting a strong scent. Ed tapped on his cooled face and felt the poisonous ink. Lil took advantage of her opponent’s confusion by breaking off his arm that was still holding her. His elbow twisted and she fell off. Lil quickly sat down on the desk and grabbed its corner tightly, she then extended her leg like a swing and kicked Ed in the side. However, her legs went numb right after.

Swallowing a groan, Lil quickly crawled across the desk to the other side. After she dropped to the floor, she stood up with difficulty. Now, between her and Ed was a wide desk blocking each other’s path. Lil felt relieved to finally have some distance between them again even if it was for a short moment. She then grabbed her belly while she remained wary of her opponent.

Clearly annoyed, Ed raised his sleeve and wiped his face. Red water dripped from his chin and engulfed his white shirt. Although Lil expected it to be black ink, it was actually red. So when Ed raised his head again, his face looked like it was covered in blood. Half of it was smeared with dark red marks, making him look like a murderer who was eager to kill people. Turning his head, Ed spat and a bloody mass fell to the ground. Judging from his reaction, Lil could tell that he was getting fed up. She found it already extremely difficult to handle him till now, but from here onwards, she couldn’t even imagine how much more intense he would become. When faced with such anger, the shield called a desk was nothing more than a piece of wood where Ed could easily jump over at any given time. And right now, Ed looked like he could cross it without a moment of hesitation.

“I think I understand what you mean.”

“…”

By reacting neutrally, Lil tried to buy some time while she nervously sorted out the situation.

‘Ed’s angry because the person he tried so hard to save attempted to run away as soon as she woke up. He probably thought it ridiculous and disgusting that I tried to deceive him by pretending to be asleep, but he didn’t know what to do with it… Even if it wasn’t my true intention, my deception has been misinterpreted and added more gas to an already burning pyre… The reason why my action disturbed him was because he’s heartbroken. It’s surprisingly understandable. Ed is hurt. I can tell that he harbours some kind of emotion towards me, but that doesn’t mean I will accept it. Once I let myself be swayed by the intensity of his emotions, I’ll have no face to show to my crew. Ed can play as he pleases, but I can’t afford to do that. I’m responsible for the lives of my crew who are currently detained somewhere unknown. Besides, Ed’s offence can’t be compared to mine which was just pretending to be asleep. Wasn’t his deception way more grandiose?’

“Thank you for saving me. But I have no intention to accept you. I’m so sick and tired of being tied down by acts of charity and favours. Please know that my feelings won’t change.”

“Who said so?”

Ed walked over with a sneer as Lil tossed the glass bottle she was holding onto the floor and the remaining ink spilt on it.

“You were the one who deceived me from the beginning. What was it that you told me again? That you were a doctor who hated the Admiral and deserted his ship?”

“…”

That sentence was as fatal to Lil as it was to Ed. It was a fact that gave no room for excuses and couldn’t be denied no matter what Ed would do. To Lil, this was something that she couldn’t afford to turn a blind eye to and her disposition about this would never be overturned.

The joy of seeing Ed again on the Visha passed by as if it were a sweet fantasy. At that time, Lil never thought, not even for a moment, that she would despair at seeing him again. She thought she would be happy at the unexpected reunion with Ed. But when he suddenly appeared as the admiral, she resented him so much that she almost couldn’t bear it.

‘From the battle with the Bell Rock, which was only possible due to Ed’s position as the Admiral, to the situation in which he was suspected of being a spy because he was from the Navy, the fact that he didn’t deny the message from the pigeon, and even the fact that he deceived me from the very beginning. There’s nothing there that I can tolerate.’

“When I asked how a mere navy doctor like you knew so much about military information, what did you say?”

“…”

While walking narrowly and very keenly, Lil’s hatred grew. Her hands trembled. She wanted to rush in towards Ed and rip out everything. But instead of doing so, she recited exactly what Ed had said, word for word.

“ ‘I had a close relationship with one of the Admiral’s aides, I have quite a wide foot!’ Hahahaha!”

“…”

Laughing like a madman herself, her hair scattered everywhere and she could feel herself shaking.

“That his closest aide’s name is Commodore Sagastar! What?! And that the Admiral is selfish and gives the Commodore a hard time by making him suffer? …Don’t you dare say you forgot! You said this with your own mouth! How could I… What should I do now?! You had the nerve to grab me by the collar, huh? But, I’m the one who wants to strangle your neck!”

“…”

Lil couldn’t forget. Ed’s testimony about the commodore was given when he was Lil’s perverted opponent in Amiaeng, and she believed him just like that. Everything that Ed said to win Lil’s trust by handing over some information about the fleet was brutally vivid. And like a pathetic fool, she listened to him without knowing a single thing.

“Did you ever do anything other than deceiving me? Was there ever a time when you told me the truth?”

“Didn’t you say that you trusted me?”

“You’re putting the blame on me?! You’re the one who didn’t even protest!”

“I would’ve never let that naval message come in unless I was a complete idiot, but I guess you never thought about that. You were so blinded by the captain* that you never checked what he was doing… And you wouldn’t even listen to me.”

“Because you didn’t say anything! Were you expecting me to beg you for an answer there? Where did you get the nerve to pretend to be hurt after deceiving me like that? You screwed it all up! It’s all because of your fucking fraud!”

“Are you saying that you don’t feel even just a bit of guilt? If you only think of me like that, then why…”

“Don’t turn this to me. If you were planning on telling me the truth, you would have told me at some point.”

Ed didn’t confirm nor deny it, but Lil was certain.

‘When Ed realised his feelings and their sincerity, he was already caught too deep in his own web of lies. So Ed must’ve started to regret it the moment he noticed that his schemes were irretrievable. He feared the consequences that came with not starting with the truth. But he should’ve known how dangerous a relationship built by lies is…’

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Footnote:

Captain: As we explained some time ago, Cesar’s rank in the Navy before he left was Captain. So Ed isn’t referring to Lil as the captain, but Cesar.

References:

“… That you were a doctor who hated the admiral and deserted his ship?” = Chapter 22, when Ed tried to board the Bell Rock as a doctor by some smooth talking and bad mouthing the Admiral.

“When I asked how a mere navy surgeon like you knew so much about military information, what did you say?” / “ ‘I had a close relationship with one of the Admiral’s aides, I have quite a wide foot!’ Hahahaha!” / “That his closest aide’s name is Commodore Sagastar! What?! And that the admiral is selfish and gives the commodore a hard time by making him suffer? …” = all three the quotes = Chapter 6 and 7, way back at the beginning when Lil was dressed as a prostitute and met Ed for the first time. Lil was trying to get as much military info from Ed as she could get with the promise of getting some nightly action.

“Didn’t you say that you trusted me now?” = Chapter 93 and 129, first we have Lil’s offer to give her trust to Ed if he helped her free the mermaid. Ed reacted casually, saying that the fact that Lil came to replace him, already proved that she trusted him. Then we have the fight between Lil and Ed right before the pigeon appears. Lil is disappointed that, after she finally trusted him, he acts strangely and even asks her if she loved him.

“You’re putting the blame on me?! You’re the one who didn’t even protest!” / “I wouldn’t have let that naval message come in unless I was an idiot, but I guess you never thought about that. You were so blinded by the captain that you never checked what he was doing… And you wouldn’t even listen to me.” / “Because you didn’t say anything! …!” = all three the quotes = chapter 130 and 132, this is about the moment the navy pigeon flew into Ed’s room that morning after Lil fell asleep in his cabin. Ed never protested nor refuted that it was or wasn’t him that called for the pigeon. Nor gave he any explanation. Not much later Lil never questioned the message that Cesar retrieved from the pigeon and read outloud.

“Are you saying that you don’t feel even just a bit of guilt? …” = the guilt probably refers to the combination of different events and choices; That Lil never really interrogated Ed, believed him or gave him the chance to explain himself. That she had him thrown overboard while having sustained life threatening injuries etc…

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