North x Northwest
Chapter 186

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“You must have actually considered telling me, there was definitely a moment of conflict in your head, right? But you didn’t say anything! Not a single word, until it has come to this! So, what’s it that you want me to realise? What are you up to? Do you want me to go as far as seeking you out and hearing your excuse? Is that it?”

“You didn’t give me any chance to explain myself. You shot me.”

“Because you tried to catch the pigeon!”

“Oh. So, was shooting me to death the right thing to do then?”

“You tested me that morning in the cabin. You were going to get that message into your hands. Do you think I shot the ceiling because of my poor shooting skills?”

“Then should I say thank you for shooting the ceiling and not me?”

“Ahhh!”

Lil waved her arms dejectedly.

“What on earth were you expecting me to do? Should I have covered it up and trusted you blindly? Cut the bullshit! If you had just explained it properly, we wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Were you happy that you got to twist the whole situation? That whole fucking mess must’ve looked like a masterpiece to you, didn’t it?”

“You abandoned me, who was nothing short of a corpse, in the arms of our benevolent Mother of All Things! Did the Western Pirates inspire you that much? It’s their tradition of slaughtering people to the brink of death and then throwing them into the Mother’s embrace!”

Lil, stabbed where it stung the most, breathed in. She instantly remembered Ed’s bloodied face of that day.

‘It was the day that I never should have let Ed go…’

“But it makes me wonder. Don’t you think you were being punished for blowing countless opportunities?”

“Is that your idea of justice? You must be a very fair judge then. And a great one at that.”

Lil looked back at that moment countless times. She regretted that she didn’t raise her sword against Cesar, and even blamed herself for not jumping after Ed.

‘But… he turned out to be the Admiral and came after me… destroying the Bell Rock…I can’t forget the Admiral’s bloody face on the Bell Rock’s deck… Now, I have a completely different kind of regret. That very day, I should’ve definitely killed Ed. Even when I thought Ed was dead, his deception continued. I never expected that he was following the Bell Rock with his fleet, while I lamented for him and accepted the fact that I would never be able to be forgiven…That’s why I can’t even think of rejoicing about the fact that he’s alive… I shouldn’t be happy that your life is continuing…’

“You’re a cowardly bastard who can’t even admit his mistakes. What happened was inevitable because you behaved like that.”

“You just didn’t dare to refuse what your subordinates wanted, you wanted to play the role of being a noble judge, thinking you only had to turn away from me to achieve it.”

“Cut the crap! No matter how complicated the situation was, wasn’t it basic instinct for the Bell Rock to know that we had to abandon anyone from the Navy? And then there are those irrespective things you said; like that you believe me or if I think you’re special. Even asking me if I’m in love with you? It’s not even funny! If I had admitted to it, did you think I wouldn’t be able to abandon you? That I was going to cover for you somehow? Instead, shouldn’t you have told the truth about this crazy quest you’ve been on if you had the leisure time to think that way? In that case, I could at least have decided whether you were a spy or not! What a poor way of thinking you had! …I’m ashamed of everything I ever told you!”

“It was only natural for the Bell Rock to collapse because you chose to be a lover rather than a leader. If you cared so much about that ship, you should’ve noticed even the smallest signs of it collapsing. But, you couldn’t go against the captain*, so you simply considered me a spy.”

“Who asked you to evaluate my qualities as a captain? Why don’t you look at your own human qualities first? No human being should ever look down on other people. You’ve been cheating me the whole time you were aboard, all the while telling me you were honoured to have met someone like me in this lifetime, and later on become angry at me for not trusting you fully. Is this what a decent person does to his fellow? What the hell did you take me for? Why did you treat me like that?!”

“Do you truly believe that we could’ve avoided this outcome if I had told you the truth? What happened to the noble judge? Was she afraid of being suspected of unfaithfulness by the captain*? I had no idea that throwing me out there was your idea of proving your love for him?”

“You confessed! You, right in front of my eyes, told me that you leaked so much information to the Navy that you couldn’t even remember! I wasn’t even truly interrogating you. I was just standing there, waiting for you to come up with an excuse. I waited for you, you damn bastard!”

“…”

Lil rushed forward, completely oblivious to the fact that she was actually trying to avoid Ed. When she closed in on him, Lil pushed him away, forgetting where she was, who she was, and who Ed was. Despite her lack of strength, the desk was moved by Ed’s size.

“But you only kept your mouth shut! It was your choice to ruin everything. You should’ve held on to me from the moment the pigeon flew in and explained yourself, but you thought everything you had done to fool me wasn’t enough. You stayed silent to test me and continued deceiving me till the very end!”

“…”

Lil grabbed a handful of papers from the table next to her and threw them at him. As Ed swung his arm, the crumpled flagstick and ink splattered in all directions along with the papers.

“I rather you had despised me openly! Instead you chased after me and did your best to come close to me only to stab me in the back in the end! No one has ever made me feel this small. No one! You laughed at my beliefs on the inside while praising them for being something you agree with on the outside! You’re the worst! You don’t even deserve to be called a human! I thought you were the only one…”

‘…who understands me… I’m disappointed because I thought you were the only one.’

“…”

Lil, who couldn’t stand that sentence, threw whatever she could get her hands on. She didn’t even know at this point if Ed was dodging them, getting hit, or knocking them off.

‘I thought that it was the Bell Rock that had collapsed, but now I know it was actually me…’

She felt shattered, like a piece of wood broken by a cannonball, and she sank far too deep.

Suddenly, it was hard to breathe.

“How could you…”

“…”

Out of breath, Lil grabbed her forehead. Her head felt dizzy. As she lowered her head, tears ran down her cheeks. She didn’t even know when they had begun to flow. Her shoulders rose and fell uncontrollably, and her sobs leaked through gritted teeth as she was trying hard to control her breathing.

“How could you do this…”

It wasn’t until Lil repeated that sentence that she realised the ridiculousness of the situation.

‘Who am I crying in front of, and what am I complaining about? ‘How could you do this?’ Admiral Retiro could do that. He’s a psychopath who could’ve easily done this. To him, others are nothing but a toy. No one would be significant in his presence. And there’s no denying that the man in front of me is that Admiral…’

Lil laughed silently.

‘What excuse do I want? What kind of excuse can he even use to erase the pain that has rooted in my heart? That he still has some lingering feelings? Is that what I want to hear? …It’s funny that I’m still this pathetic even after coming back from the brink of death.’

“I can ask you the same thing.”

“…”

Not paying Ed any attention anymore, Lil wiped her eyes with both hands. Her fingertips trembled, unclear if it was too much for her to bear the sadness or to hold back her laughter.

“How could you have done that to me?”

Ed, who came closer, turned Lil around. He grabbed her arms and thus removed the hands that covered her face. Because Lil still had little grip and muscle strength left, she resisted with her forearms right away, but she couldn’t get away from Ed.

“Why on earth…”

Perhaps because of the ink, his eyes looked red rather than green.

“Why did you do that?”

“..!”

The ink ran down his cheeks. Slowly, like bloody tears. Falling silently into the darkness. Ed was still buried in the pain of that time. It seemed that he couldn’t control his mental wounds. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say that his eyes had turned completely mad. They were the eyes of a man who had crawled out of the jaws of death.

“It’s my turn to question you now. Why didn’t you even think of looking for me after locking me up?”

Footnote:

Captain: Same goes for this chapter, Ed is talking about Cesar when he says captain.

References:

“ …You’ve been cheating me the whole time you were aboard, all the while telling me you were honoured to have met someone like me in this lifetime, and later on become angry at me for not trusting you fully…” = chapter 66, back in Panichi. Ed will meet Lil in a recruitment tent for new crewmembers and they start talking. After Ed tells the story about the farmer and the seed, he will say it’s an honour for him to meet someone like Lil.